Monday, June 9, 2014

Out With the Bear, In With Cuddles

Having been picked up by Pewsitter for two times in as many days, the Bear realizes that his career as a blogger is going in the wrong direction. He's never going to hit the big time this way and get the advertising dollars and book deals rolling in for his retirement unless he goes mainstream. So he's decided to make some changes.

First off, "the Bear" has negative connotations. The author of this blog shall therefore be known as "Cuddles the Teddy Bear." The persona will be a bi-polar ex-Wiccan mom with a weight problem. (Everybody loves converts with lovable foibles.)

Second, the Bear was far too negative. Cuddles the Teddy Bear's motto shall be "if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all." Occasional flashes of anger shall be reserved for Vatican-approved targets, such as traddies and plutocrats.

Third, the Bear's readers were rather an elite group. Cuddles the Teddy Bear is going for a broader audience. So he will make his sentences short. He will not use big words.


Pope Francis Does Good Thing

Peace is good. Pope Francis is good. Pope Francis likes peace. Pope Francis called his friends from different religions and invited them to a picnic. His friends are Jews and Moslems. Did you know Jews and Moslems worship the same God we do? It's true! Judaism, Islam and Christianity all come from Abraham's God. Abraham started the three great religions. (Other religions are good, too. Everyone worships the same God, just by different names. Everybody goes to heaven.)

All people are sisters and brothers. They should all love one another. That makes Abraham happy.

All good people like Pope Francis. But some people are not good. They want to torture other people by burning them at the stake and making them listen to Latin. They are bad. But Pope Francis has a plan to make sure they don't hurt anyone. It is lucky that all the bad people are in the Catholic Church where Pope Francis can keep an eye on them.

You are a good person. This blog is approved! You like everyone and like Pope Francis, too. Don't you feel good now? Tomorrow Cuddles the Teddy Bear will write another nice article. It will be about Pope Francis doing or saying something nice. I bet you can't wait!

6 comments:

  1. Terrible marketing move. Drudge, Breitbart, HotAir, Fox, Alex Jones etc. don't get hits by being nice and cuddly. You have to throw out the red meat if you want the page views.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear, sweet Cuddles,

    What a WONDERFUL idea!

    I do have one teeny, tiny helpful suggestion. The ex-Wiccan description could be terribly hurtful to people who are Wiccans, have family members who are Wiccans, or know someone who might possibly be a Wiccan. It could be taken to mean that you think there's something better about being Catholic. Of course, you may plan to use this positively (perhaps suggesting that a dear Wiccan friend of yours was terribly upset at not being invited to the picnic). Who am I to judge? But do be careful not to sound hateful.

    One more thought: do you think the goats could become unicorns? That would be AWESOME!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I see you behind that curtain, Rictus Bear.
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Tomorrow Cuddles the Teddy Bear will write another nice article. "

    And don't forget to write respectful letters & petitions...Oh, bear, you out did yourself!! ;-)

    CALL
    TO
    PETITION

    Fisher More
    FFI
    Fr. Wylie say, “Good-bye”

    Holy Innocents
    Deacon Nick
    Slowly boil, now that’s the trick

    So cock your pens
    And write your pappy
    Spill your ink on trees once sappy

    But do not fight
    With soul and might
    In charity, just letter-write

    For you are lords
    Approved patricians
    Who give your lives for bloody petitions!

    BRAVO!!!



    ReplyDelete
  5. Now the question is will there be a team up with Charlie the Unicorn, or Frank the Hippie?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I could see a frolic with Charlie the Unicorn at the Candy Mountain, as long as it didn't end with the Traddies stealing somebody's kidney.

    ReplyDelete

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