Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Why Popes are Unmarried

Can this marriage be saved?
Letter from one Jorge Bergoglio (no relation) to his wife, found taped on the refrigerator.

June 29, 2014

Dear Sweetest,

You remember my dear friend Sofie? I have set up a rendezvous, so I will be gone for a couple of days. She is such a breath of fresh air!

Now, don't be jealous, my pet. You know how you persecute people and become generally unpleasant when you get that way. Then I have to apologize to this person and that. Really, you can be such a beast!

You should learn to be more open, my dear. I look around and see all the women, each of them beautiful in her own way, and I want to embrace them all! Such diversity! Oh, I can see that this is making you very jealous indeed! But never doubt that I am a loyal husband!

Oh, I forgot to tell you, but I'll be spending next weekend with Francesca. She's so spontaneous! I must confess I simply adore her. You know, not to be critical, but you might learn a thing or two from her.

I am a loyal husband, so do not get upset. Yes, you're a stodgy old dowager with blood on her hands, but I'm a loyal husband. One-hundred percent faithful. How could you ever think otherwise, silly?

I saw my old friend Antonia yesterday. She looked marvelous! She hadn't aged a bit since last I saw her. I expect you'll remember last time we met her together -- talk about ancient history! -- you insulted her. She still holds that against you, but I apologized for your outrageous behavior and tried to smooth things over. We had a lovely dinner and conversed late into the evening. Oh, it was so refreshing! She's so interesting.

What do I hear you saying? Why don't you ever compliment me like that? I must laugh, my angel. Despite all your many flaws, I am a loyal husband. You know how I feel about you. I don't need to say a thing.

Do you remember Lucia? I'm going out with her tonight. Oh, what a joyful little sprite she is! Such a delight. Don't wait up, my love.

Your loyal husband,


  1. brilliant....abso-friggin-lutely brilliant!

  2. I can think of another Bergoglio that is a self-described "loyal son of the Church," now that I re-read this ;-)


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