Sunday, October 5, 2014

Apocalypse Bear

The Bear had a very strange dream, no doubt a product of his ursine distemper. For whatever it is worth, he here records it.

SCENE: Captain Bear reports to small group of high-ranking clerics. He is distracted by a table set for lunch.

High-Ranking Cleric: Good afternoon, Captain Bear. I see your paw is injured.

Bear: A salmon fishing accident on R & R, sir.

High-Ranking Cleric: But you're fit for duty?

Bear: Yes sir. Very much so, sir.

High-Ranking Cleric: There's something you need to hear.

[High-Ranking Cleric gestures toward a priest who resembles a young Harrison Ford, who flips a knob on an old-fashioned reel-to-reel tape recorder.]

High-Ranking Cleric: This was recorded last Tuesday.

Voice on tape: The words of Jesus are offensive when he speaks of adultery. There are positive elements to second marriages. We must be merciful. More merciful than Jesus. Indeed as merciful as I. Sometimes I feel like a snail. Crawling on the edge of a razor blade--

High-Ranking Cleric: I think that's enough. Captain Bear, Cardinal Kasper is out there, on his own, operating beyond all legal and moral boundaries. Every man has a dark side, and a light side, what Lincoln called the better angels of our nature. But there's a war in every human heart, and Cardinal Kasper has obviously gone insane.

Bear: Yes sir, quite obviously insane, sir.

High-Ranking Cleric: The Cardinal has a kind of army, of liberal nuns, journalists and Patheos bloggers.They follow the man like a god. A Navy riverine boat will take you up the Neckar River to Stuttgart. He must be terminated.

Bear: Terminated, sir?

[Priest who looks like Fr. Guido Sarducci hands him a cigarette.]

High-Ranking Cleric: Terminated with extreme prejudice.

Bear: With... extreme prejudice. You mean, like the whole Bear thing? The roaring and the snapping jaws and tearing and breaking bones and --

High-Ranking Cleric: No! Just make him an offer he can't refuse.

Bear: Okay, I'm a little confused. Which Francis Ford Coppola movie is this? You want me to threaten him with a gun?

High-Ranking Cleric: Of course not! What kind of people do you think we are? We just want you to deliver this letter.

Bear: a letter? With all due respect, couldn't you just mail a letter?

High-Ranking Cleric: Mail it. That's a good idea Captain Bear. They said you were sharp. Here. Would you mind putting this in the mail box for us? It's right outside the door.

Bear: Er, sure.

High-Ranking Cleric: By the way, this meeting never happened.

Bear: Okay.

1 comment:

  1. How we WISH there was an offer he couldn't refuse. Unfortunately he is backed by the guy in charge. He is 'backed' to such an extent that he actually 'speaks' for the guy in charge. I find it rather easy to believe since they seem to echo each other. Divine intervention is the only option at this point we have, seeing as though there seem to be more wolves guarding the hen house than hens. But maybe may just seem that way due to media spin. Interesting however, that the guy in charge has hand picked mostly dissenting red hats to preside over the Synod, which may far outnumber any faithful ones that are 'allowed in'. Hmm....think he may have planned it that way?


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