Monday, May 4, 2015

Introducing Climate Change Bear (TM)

Dear Pope Francis,

I know we have not seen eye-to-eye on a lot of topics, and some of my blog articles might be considered, well, disrespectful.

But you need me for your big climate change campaign. Sure, you've got the UN, most of the world's governments, and anybody else that would happily put a thumb in the Church's eye. And you, too, of course. But there's one thing you don't have.

A mascot.

Oh, sure, I know what you're thinking. The polar bears standing on little islands of ice like, "Oh no, what are we to do? This is the last ice in the Arctic! The rest has all melted!" Seriously, is the ice melting faster than a polar bear can swim to safety?

Picture from anti-global warming site. FRAUD!

Puh-leez. There is plenty of evidence to show the polar bear population is increasing. And the Bear is sure any outfit that fakes temperature data can put out whatever they want to the contrary about polar bear populations. Who are you going to believe, a bunch of atheistic, lefty hustlers who also support abortion and gay marriage?

Anyway, you don't want to have anything to do with those seal-breath killing machines. And as far as polar bear populations go, I can toe the company line, nudge-nudge, wink-wink. "Yes, the polar bears are all drowning. Poor cute, white, fluffy things." (And I'm brown, by the way. Just saying. World-wide relatability.)

There's one thing you need, and that's the Bear! The World's only Real Bear Catholic Blogger! Okay, now that that is settled, the Bear will need a little quid pro quo, if you know what I mean. That's Latin for a little sumpin' sumpin' for the talent, your favorite Ursus Arctos. That's Latin for "bear" of the "north." (Not sure how up on the ol' Latin you are, no offense.)

First, the Bear is a credible representative of the raw majesty of Nature. So it would be great if human beings would all kneel before him. I'm just going to assume we're good on that one. If poor people  are knee-worthy, then a bear is a no-brainer. (Wouldn't be the first time someone, say a hiker, has knelt before a bear LOL.)

Next, I can't help but notice that I'm poor :-(

Yeah, maybe I sleep a lot, am overweight, lack marketable skills and motivation, and don't have a job. But if you put all the factors contributing to my poverty on one side, what you're left with on the other is the undeniable fact that the Bear is poor and you're -- with all due respect -- not. Therefore, the Bear must be poor because humans took his money. That's climate change logic. See, the Bear gets it. He's not some dumb polar bear. That's why he will be your perfect spokesanimal.

Here in the woodlands, the Bear has to make do with a modest bungalow. The Bear can't believe how little he's settling for, but here goes. A nice house with a big room for entertaining the woodland creatures. A swimming pool. Cable. And a pony.

Twice a week.

A percentage of sales of all Climate Change Bear (just a suggestion on the name) merchandise, to be negotiated by the Bear's agent.

Finally, an agent.

Well, that ought to do it. I'm confident that you will see just how badly the global warming change sustainability thing, you know -- our thing -- needs the Bear. Hey you know what "our thing" is in Italian? La Cosa Nostra. LOL

Your loyal subject
The Bear


  1. Love it Bear. Nice job. Pope should listen to Bear, Bear makes sense. Instead Pope listens to Bull, Bull makes bull----.

    Michael Dowd

  2. "A swimming pool. Cable. And a pony."

    Why the latter?'ll only eat it. Then you'll need another one, and another one, and another one. A maybe even a big bottle of ketchup.

    Now a Badger......theeeeeeeeere's a mascot. Friendly, cordial, photogenic; what more could you want? And if that's not enough of a winning argument, well, there's always this to keep in mind....

    My friend luca brasi might need to pay yous a visit if you gotta problem wit dis...capisce?

    1. Wonder if anyone remembers the background to the Jon Carry sign.

    2. ....don't have a clue what you're talking about

    3. John Kerry said if you're dumb and uneducated you end up stuck in Iraq. Some trips took exemption and had some fun with it.

    4. c'mon...provide a link. I can't pull anything up. I remember the quote and the bru-ha-ha, but I don't remember the mockery of which you speak....would VERY much like to enjoy it

  3. Oh, Oh, OH.....this one'd be right up your alley Bear, though out of loyalty to my forest friend, I'd have to disagree with his outcome....(that, of course, is if I have no money on the match)......

    Man, this guy is a great writer and funny....he stopped blogging about the time you started....coincidence, or..... ?

  4. OK....THIS IS YOU (sherwoodtruthbombs), ISN'T IT!?!?!?....

    the best is episode bear, but plenty of revenge...

    *warning*'ll be singin' the song all night in your sleep.

  5. Hilarious, although the Bear was clearly phoning his performance in. And he was only a little black bear.


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