Background and Fighters
When it comes to Christians slinging insults, two heavyweights come to mind. First, of course, is the reigning heavyweight champion of the sour science of insult. The Bear gives you the pride of Saxony, the Heresiarch of Haymakers, the Raging Bull himself: Maaaaartin Luuuuuther!
And in this corner, a real up-and-comer, and a big surprise, the Pontiff of Punching, the Argentine Bombshell, and you know what's coming! The Bear can only mean: Horhaaaaay Bergoliooooo! The 266th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church!
Luther started the Reformation in 1517, which split the Church under Bergoglio's predecessor, Pope Leo X. Although the two camps have tried to keep the smack talk dialed down lately, you just have to know this is a 500-year-old grudge match.
Will Luther keep the title he's held onto for half a millennium? Or will the antipodean upstart pull off an upset? There are no rules, and low blows are encouraged. So let's watch the Pope and the Heresiarch go head to head to find out who is the more insulting. The two fighters will square off over ten rounds, each with a different theme.
1. Johnny, Take That Out of Your Mouth!
Pope Francis: "Fomenter of coprophagia!"
Martin Luther: "You are like a magician who conjures gulden into the mouths of silly people. But when they open their mouths, they have horse (dung) in them!"
Bear -- the two statements are similar, but Luther's earthy clarity beats the Pope's spectacular display of vocabulary. Round One: LUTHER.
2. Say Again?
Pope Francis: "Self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagian!"
Martin Luther: "You sophistic worms, grasshoppers, locusts and lice!"
Bear -- here the Pope's vocabulary dazzles, even if nobody understands it! Luther already looks tired in this round. Round Two: POPE FRANCIS.
3. Animal Crackers
Pope Francis: "Creed-reciting Parrot Christian!"
Martin Luther: "For you are an excellent person, as skillful, clever and versed in Holy Scripture as a cow in a walnut tree or a sow on a harp!"
Bear -- Wow! What a comeback. Pope Francis is clever, funny, and right on target, but Luther's humorous and memorable imagery demonstrates why he's the champ. Round Three: LUTHER.
4. A Few Beads Short of a Rosary
Pope Francis: "Sloth-diseased, acedic Christians!"
Martin Luther: "You people are more stupid than a block of wood!"
Bear -- Pope Francis may be getting a little cocky. He sounds like a doctor, here, and falls back into his tendency to use jargon that lacks impact. On the other hand, Luther connects with the simplest insult imaginable, but good enough to put the Pope on his heels. Round Four: LUTHER.
Pope Francis: "Airport bishops!"
Martin Luther: "As for the signs of your peculiar priesthood, we are willing to let you boast of these mean things, for we know it would be quite easy to have, anoint and clothe in a long robe even a pig or a blog of wood!"
Bear -- Here we see the difference. Pope Francis lands a popping jab that's effective. But Luther just overwhelms him with an impressive combination relying once again on concrete, humorous imagery. He even slips that "block of wood" punch in again. Round Five: LUTHER.
Pope Francis: "There are Christian bats who prefer the shadows to the light of the presence of the Lord!"
Martin Luther: "You are a bungling magpie, croaking loudly!"
Bear -- This one comes down to bat vs. magpie. The judges are going with bat! Round Six: POPE FRANCIS.
7. Skin-Deep Christians
Pope Francis: "Christians in appearance! Made-up Christians, because when the rain comes the make-up comes off!"
Martin Luther: "You have set out to rub your scabby, scurvy head against honor!"
Bear -- two great fighters, but choices must be made. Pope Francis was very understandable this round while Luther struggled a bit with clarity. Round Seven: POPE FRANCIS.
8. Don't Let Appearances Deceive You
Pope Francis: "Pagans with two strokes of Christian paint, so as to appear like Christians, but Pagans nonetheless."
Martin Luther: "You are an extraordinary creature, being neither God nor man. Perhaps you are the devil himself!"
Bear -- Luther is bold, as always, but may have tried too hard, here. As in last round, Pope Francis is crystal clear, and the imagery is simple and memorable. That insult is going to sting for a long time, while Luther's is something of an eye-roller. Eighth Round: POPE FRANCIS.
9. Talking Behind Your Back
Pope Francis on the "Terrorism" of Gossip: "It's the sickness of cowardly people who, not having the courage to speak directly, talk behind people's back."
Martin Luther: "You say what comes out of your mouth must be kept! I hear it. Which mouth do you mean? The ones from which the farts come?"
Bear -- Luther had Francis on the mat with this one. But the Argentine Bombshell is back on his feet. Ninth Round: LUTHER.
Pope Francis: "Children! Afraid to dance! Afraid to cry! Afraid of everything!"
Martin Luther: "You are desperate, thorough arch-rascals, murderers, traitors, liars, the very scum of the most evil people on earth! You are full of all the worst devils in Hell -- full, full and so full, that you can do nothing but vomit, blow, and throw out devils!"
Bear -- A good ending by Pope Francis. But Luther unleashes his trademark frothing-at-the-mouth insult combinations. Tenth Round: LUTHER.
And the Winner Is...
MARTIN LUTHER WINS! Luther's wild, unrefined, and even crude style of pure insult overwhelmed Pope Francis' sometimes more cerebral style. This is not to say that the Argentine Bombshell couldn't put together simple, concrete imagery when needed. Indeed, in the middle of this fight, Pope Francis looked like he might pull off an upset. Luther, though, was so over-the-top with both memorable images ("a cow in a walnut tree") and sheer crudeness, the 266th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church couldn't quite take the championship away from Luther.
Sources included the Pope Francis Little Book of Insults and the Luther Insulter, with which you may be insulted by the heresiarch himself, as well as its companion list of Luther insults. Martin Luther, though undeniably crude on occasion, was a man of his times, and we should perhaps not be so ready to judge him the same as someone of our age.
As far as Pope Francis, most of his "insults" have a point, which he makes directly, memorably and maybe with a bit of a sting. The Bear guesses they were more appropriate, or at least understandable, in their original context, rather than in a decontextualized (where have the Bear's readers seen that word before?) collection.