|The star of "The Revenant" and Leonardo di Caprio.|
The Revenant depicts a group of early 19th century North American terrorists on a mission to kill as many innocent woodland creatures as possible. The American cell is led by a rogue military officer, but the mastermind is Glass, the intelligence expert, (played by Leonardo di Caprio, wasted in a supporting role.)
The movie doesn't take off until a heavily armed Glass threatens two grizzly Bear cubs out for a walk in the woods with their mother. Protecting her cubs, she heroically ignores Glass's rifle and charges him. After much (but not enough, as it turns out) biting, clawing, shaking, and head-stomping, she breaks off her attack, and actually kisses Glass, as if to say, "I don't want to kill you, just please don't do anything to my babies."
She retires, but is forced to renew the attack when a relentless Glass once again raises his rifle and threatens to kill her. She charges again, but is shot by Glass. Expending her last bit of strength she tries to finish him off, but, tragically, dies right before the eyes of her horrified cubs.
This is a sad, but exciting ten-minute movie crammed into nearly three hours. With the main character knocked off shortly after the movie starts, what the viewer is left with is a pointless and tedious two-and-a-half-hours of a badly mauled Glass eating gross things, and defying hypothermia by floating down icy rivers and crawling over snow. There are some Indians, and some rival French terrorists. The Bear admits to dozing.
It would be as if Luke Skywalker was killed by Imperial Stormtroopers fifteen minutes into Star Wars, followed by an hour and a half of Jawas scavenging junk.
The Bear does have some professional nits to pick.
They obviously wanted the bear attack sequence to last several minutes and be horrifying. But for reasons known only to the writers, they also wanted Leonardo di Bear Bait to survive. This led to the poor CGI Fake Bear being asked to act completely stupid. Here's just one example. (The Bear doesn't want to get too graphic.) The CGI Fake Bear had plenty of opportunities to rip Glass's lower jawbone off. Nothing takes the fight out of someone like that. (Not that yours truly would know.) But then the Bear supposes they couldn't write any dialogue for Leonardo di Caprio after that, except, "Aarrrgh ow."
Also, without disclosing spoilers, Leonardo di Caprio should get together with Mel "The Patriot" Gibson and learn what you can do with a tomahawk at 10 yards.
The Revenant is overlong and under-Bear. The Bear gives it 1/5 fish for the impressive CGI Fake Bear. Definitely not worth having to sit through the trailer for Michael Moore's new movie.