Apostolic Exhortation Gives Bishops Superpowers
|Bishop exercises new, impossible powers.|
As bishops examine the new Apostolic Exhortation on the family from Pope Francis, they are discovering unexpected new impossible powers. While the bulk of the document deals primarily with bishops' power to cleanse sin from those who persist in it without repentance, bishops are also flying, time traveling, and defying the rules of quantum mechanics.
Floating twenty feet above reporters, a gleeful Bishop Listecki of Milwaukee called down, "Pope Francis also gave me the power to suspend the law of gravity!" Scientists have urged caution until the extent of this new power is clear.
Meanwhile Bishop Lagonegro of Poughkeepsie displayed a black cat to reporters, which he claimed was Schrödinger's Cat. "It's still in the box, neither alive nor dead," he explained delightedly, "but it's also here, clearly alive. You can't explain that. I don't know what to do with my impossible power, but anyway, it's kind of cool, don't you think? Nice kitty."
Other bishops have demonstrated their own impossible powers by super strength, the ability to move faster than the eye can see, time travel and, in the case of Bishop Kurtz, of Louisville, squaring the circle. "I have to admit I'm a little disappointed in my superpower that Pope Francis gave me," Bishop Kurtz said, "but, if you think about it, it's a pretty famous paradox. I could show you. Oh, okay. Sure, later sometime."
A Vatican spokesman issued a terse statement saying, "It is the power of Francis Mercy."