Discoveries Eliminating Catholic Dogmas

Discovery of South America Nixes Church Dogma.

According to Pope Emeritus Benedict, the Church dogma of extra ecclesiam nulla salus, or "no salvation outside the Church," was abolished because of the discovery in 1500 by Portuguese explorer Pedro Álvares Cabral of what would become Brazil.

"There is no doubt that at this point, we are faced with a profound evolution of dogma," said the ex-pontiff, due to "the discovery of the new world." The remarks came in an interview conducted last year, but only just published in the Italian Bishops' Conference organ Avvenire.

An unnamed cardinal  conceded the point. "We had a pretty sweet thing going until that idiot Portuguese Captain Cabral found all those people who weren't Catholic. Never since its beginning had the Church been faced with a whole world to evangelize. Everyone was like, 'How were all those natives in the New World saved, huh?' We tried to finesse it. 'They weren't,' or, 'Their conscience,' or 'What, you didn't see the end of Apocalypto?' But obviously, the choice was give up extra ecclesiam nulla salus or look like heartless idiots."

Many are speculating that other infallible dogmas may have been lost due to discoveries. The Bear's sources in the BioParc di Roma say that Watson and Crick's discovery of the DNA double-helix in 1953 eliminated the dogma of Purgatory. This year's discovery of Planet X in our solar system may have taken out the Church's rules on contraception.


Planet X: Contraception-Killer?

Sources close to Pope Francis say he will announce "sometime this year" that the discovery of Eva Peron's body in a Milan crypt in 1971 eliminated Hell from the shrinking list of dogmas. However, the papacy itself is not immune to evolution. The Vatican is scrambling to salvage Papal Infallibility. "The Higgs-Boson particle in 2012 is a challenge, frankly. We're worried," said one source close to Pope Francis who did not wish to be identified.

Comments

  1. I am laughing so freaking hard!!!! One of your best!


    Seattle kim

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    1. You can't make this stuff up. Well, actually you can, but what makes it click is the truth it contains -- Captain Emeritus of the Titanic, speaking from a lifeboat off the starboard bow denies seeing iceberg, having turned over command to Captain Queeg asks, "Hey, how are things going? Looks like you're taking on some water there. There should be plenty of lifeboats evolving now. Yep, any minute."

      Thank you. But no love for impossible FrancisPowers? ;-) Hey. This ephemeris is all about risk. Not mine. The Bear has a geographical fix on the location of every I.P. address. Just in case you notice something missing from your refrigerator. (If you have tranquilizer darts Bear will SO let you shoot him.)

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  2. No I loved Francispowers! But this was just a tad more hilarious. Needed a belly laugh-thanks!

    Seattle kim

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    Replies
    1. Right answer, Kim. Right answer. My tracing software has you pinpointed in Seattle. A little creepy? Nah. Bears are like the un-creepiest things there are.

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  3. Kim, see questions for you on the Pope Interview thread.

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  4. I knew it was all over when they discovered that complete, uncut copy of Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" in a museum storage room in Buenos Aires. (Buenos Aires! Coincidence??) Experts had said it was lost forever and... there it was. Forget about the Loaves and the Fishes being just a metaphonr for sharing and caring; it's obvious that this is the death-blow to the Doctrine of Original Sin.

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  5. It's not often dear Benedict says something cringeworthy. But that was cringeworthy indeed. What bleak resignation to cast one's gaze on the frontier and not see it as an opportunity to preach Christ. Diabolical disorientation?

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    1. Well, he didn't seem happy about it, so maybe he was putting bunny quotes around "evolution of doctrine."

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    2. That was very freaky, hearing Pope Benedict use that particular term. Can anyone explain in the least little way why he would say such a bizarre thing? Why! I must know. (I sound like Inigo Montoya)

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  6. strange post in light of today's reading ..."the stone which the builders rejected has become the cornerstone".. scary strange. I continue to thank you for my coffee cup that reminds me of what I need to do.
    another topic - so where am I? I thought VPN protected (ha) location.

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  7. True. But he is validating it as a phenomena, no?

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  8. Mysterious are the ways of the Lord.

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