Pope Francis Tells Swedish Rape Victims, "Put Some Ice on It"
|"Wait until you see what I've got up my sleeve this time."|
This year's Holy Thursday gimmick is washing the feet of refugees. Guess we'll have to wait until next year for Pope Francis to wash the feet of polar bears to bring attention to global warming.
Your Holiness, the Bear respectfully suggests that you instead travel to Sweden, where immigration has brought the second-highest rate of rape in the world, and wash the feet of women who have been raped by refugees. If you can go there Halloween to celebrate the blessings of the Reformation with Lutherans, surely you could do something for Swedish women, whom statistics suggest 1 out of every 4 will be raped. Or do you not place the same value on the lives of personas que viven en el hemisferio norte?
In the Book of Romans, St. Paul addresses Christians who insist on doing something that may be harmless, but may nonetheless cause a brother or sister to stumble. In that case, it involved eating, but can it not be applied to these incessant gimmicks to highlight matters of controversy instead of the religious significance?
Then let us no more pass judgment on one another, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself; but it is unclean for any one who thinks it unclean. If your brother is being injured by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. Do not let what you eat cause the ruin of one for whom Christ died. So do not let your good be spoken of as evil.
(Romans 14:13-16 RSV)
And so, once again, St. Paul resists St. Peter to his face.
Pope Francis knows that this decision will turn what is supposed to be an act with religious significance into a political controversy. He doesn't care. Leftists cannot resist an opportunity for agitprop, religion be damned. This is the same mentality that turns the very Body of Christ into a prop at the Mexican border for a photo-op. Sacrilege is the only word.
SCB News Exclusive
|BioParc di Roma: favorite spot for|
chatty Vatican insiders.
The Pope has ordered the existing Stations of the Cross at the Papal Basilica of Santa Maria Maggiore to be replaced with images representing the difficult travels of various refugee groups to Europe.
Pope Francis, saying that "the cross of our age is the refugee boat," is having the crucifix replaced with a battered refugee boat when he celebrates Holy Thursday mass. He is encouraging all parishes to follow his example. "Yes, the cross is an important symbol, but what does it say about any of today's political issues?" the Pope asked. U.N. head Ban Ki-Moon's feet will be washed as well as the refugees' feet, SCB News has learned.
In order to make more room to welcome refugees and address the pressing crisis of overpopulation, Pope Francis will institute a "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding the use of contraceptives. When asked what that means, Pope Francis winked and said, "no doctrine has been changed, but who am I to judge?"
Also, children of native families in excess of two are to be forbidden the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Mixing his metaphors, the Pope said, "It is regrettable, but if the rabbits are irresponsible, the Shepherd must exercise his authority, like Patriarch Jacob carefully controlled Laban's flock."
Pope Francis is also publishing a new set of sorrowful mysteries for the rosary to be used during Holy Week.
- 1st Mystery -- the drowning of the polar bear
- 2nd Mystery -- the drowning of the refugees
- 3rd Mystery -- the trafficking in arms
- 4th Mystery -- the isolation of gays
- 5th Mystery -- the irresponsible breeding of the rabbits
|Cub reporters alert and on the beat.|
One bit of good news for those who admire the Church's past is that Pope Francis is bringing the sedia gestatoria out of mothballs and will from now on ride in a seat borne upon the shoulders of eight men to encourage "greener" methods of transportation. The last pope to ever use it was Pope John Paul I. It is rumored that the bearers will represent different religions: Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Animist, Pagan and Atheist. The traditional white ostrich feather fans will be replaced by recycled newspapers.
If you have read the "SCB News Exclusive" this far and believe what follows it is true, first, the Bear must reflect on what that says about this pontificate. Second, relax, it's satire. Third, see "Poe's Law." Fourth, note the "parody" label. Finally, what is true is that Pope Francis is going to wash the feet of refugees on Holy Thursday.
The Bear has visions of this becoming an Orson Welles "War of the Worlds" panic.
(h/t Et Cum Spiritu Tuo.)