Wednesday, March 2, 2016

The Biggest Non-News of the Election

BREAKING: For the first time in history, reporters find people to say they are distressed by the negative rhetoric of the campaigns.

"The first president I voted for was Jimmy Carter" said Jefferson Peabody, a voter in Richmond, Virginia. "Back then candidates respected one another. You didn't have all this negativity. And ever since, right up to this election, you never heard a harsh word. Campaigns were kind, peaceful. Now they even have what they call these 'attack ads.' I don't understand it. I didn't vote for any of them. I voted for Fred Rogers. And I know he's dead."

Political experts are mostly at a loss to explain why candidates have taken to criticizing each other for the first time in political history.

One well-known political commentator has quit his job at Fox News in disgust. "I just can't take it," he told SCB News on the condition of anonymity. "It's nasty. Nobody likes it. And it doesn't work. We have had fifty-six presidential elections. All of them were models of decorum and kindness. I don't understand why the candidates have gone negative in the fifty-seventh. And this is just the primary. Why can't everybody just get along?"

Another commentator, speaking under the same conditions, blamed Donald Trump. "The man is a subhuman. He's coarse. Crass. Did I say coarse? He's single-handedly cheapening the whole process. Eviscerating Marco Rubio with a Gurkha knife onstage at the last debate was just over the top. And do we really want a president who promises to use nuclear weapons against Mexican immigrants and has picked David Duke as his running mate? He's an amateur. We need a seasoned, establishment Republican candidate that the people can trust to bring real change to Washington."

In a related story, a recent nationwide poll showed a majority of registered Republicans are "dissatisfied with the Republican establishment," for the very first time. "This is blockbuster news," Richard Price, an independent political consultant who frequently appears on ABC news, said. "Republican rank and file were enthusiastic about Dole and McCain, both of whom were not only establishment, but of advanced age and moderate. And Republican congressional leadership has not been afraid to take the battle to President Obama. Why voters have suddenly lost confidence in the Republican establishment for the first time is a mystery."


  1. Here in Canada we have an approximately 3-month campaign so there is more concentration on platform and policy than personality. There are ads on TV but most of the campaign is run one-on-one at town halls, conferences, and the candidate actually going out to the voter. Since we have adopted the American style of election as entertainment (and the attack ads) we've gone into the same hole as US politics.

    The US system goes on for far too long! Air time MUST be filled! Trump is a cool way for people to get their kicks over his latest shocking statement. It won't last. As you get closer to the election you'll see him fade.

  2. The only political wisdom I remember my father passing along is that you mustn't peak too soon. We'll see if that is the case with Trump.

  3. Does anything happen in Canada that does not get blamed on America? Every single time I hear a Canadian speak or tweet, comment, etc., they are insulting the US. Try living next door to Mexico and see how you like that. Canada is blessed to live next door to a benevolent superpower, emphasis on benevolent. I'm tired of Canadian whining.
    Trump won't fade, oh Canada, because Americans are sick and tired of politicians and the mess they have made of our great nation. We mean to take it back if we can. Donald Trump isn't perfect, but who is, and he is one of the few who may be able to stand up to the media machine and the millionaires. After 8 long years of suffering, we see a tiny light and we aim to break for it.

    1. Gee, sorry you feel insulted. We live in a world dominated by what happens in the United States - fact for good or ill. Such a close association between our countries is geographical as well as cultural.

      We certainly have our own style, our own cultural history, but you must be aware that current communication swamps many countries with the tidal wave that comes out of the U.S.

      As for Mr.Trump, well I really don't care all that much. I was just giving my opinion. We certainly have our own political nightmare here.

      I thought com-boxes were for 'comment' and opinion was not to be taken as fact (unless proven) and not taken as insult.

    2. Well, that's communication for you :-)

      Were Canada to be truly dominated by the U.S. they would not make it a crime to tell the truth about Muslims. Ask Mark Steyn, Understand we're the only ones with a First Amendment, and it is still fairly useful, at least for the present.

      Canada seems seems more like a bit of Europe uncomfortably wrenched free and having drifted west. But I do admire the fact that the main form of transportation in the Canadian West remains bush planes.

  4. Years ago, I had a subscription to Smithsonian Magazine, and I remember a very entertaining article about the viciousness of campaigns in what we like to imagine as a golden, more genteel age. Of course Trump has taken his campaign to heights of vulgarity, but the viciousness has been there almost from the beginning.


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