Thursday, June 2, 2016

The Only Thing You Need to Read on Gorillagate

Who do you put your money on? "That's right, sucka.
Pick on someone your own size." KO in 1st.


The following is tendered as the Bear's professional opinion as a large and dangerous animal, and also as one who has spent many years in zoos. And a parent.

Are the Parents Guilty? No.

When we lived in Sicily, one of our very young twin cubs defenestrated his brother from a two-story window onto cement. (He literally did not have a scratch.) Were we bad parents? Or just otherwise occupied like the couple in that awful Lars von Trier movie? In our defense, the number of our children had necessitated moving from a man-to-man defense to a zone defense, and we had probably not mastered it yet.

A child (who shall remain nameless) and his friend made bows and arrows and shot at each other across the length of a patio. With predictable results, and a scar that remains to this day.

The Bear is perfectly serious when he says he has had to yell, "Stop throwing the ax at each other!" Twins are the worst. See Jacob and Esau.

No parent can be undistracted every second. Children are curious and self-destructive. That's why they have parents, but also Guardian Angels.

Now, for all the Bear knows, the parents were dangling the kid over the fence for a cute picture with the gorilla. (Unless it's on al-Jazeera the Bear doesn't see much news over here.) But barring that, the Bear is not going to criticize the parents.

Should They Have Shot the Gorilla? Yes.

Now, about the gorilla. Higher animals hate captivity. (Remember that next time you go to zoo and see the Bear pacing back and forth endlessly.) The gorilla probably would have killed the kid as a gesture of protest. Or used sign-language to demand a fully fueled 777 and one million dollars. The zoo was right to put the beast out of its misery. This is a no-brainer.

However, they should have also shot the zoo director for having a crappy fence between kids and a gorilla. Or better, thrown him to the brown Bears for a win-win. Admit it: it does have a certain poetic justice, in a lex talionis way.

Full disclosure: the Bear believes chimpanzees and gorillas are Satan's creatures made in mockery of Man. Like Sauron did with elves to make orcs. They are horrible animals. You think a Bear attack is bad? At least the Bear will kill you and probably give you a decent burial. You don't even want to know what a chimpanzee will do to you.

18 comments:

  1. Mama human is going to sue the zoo and make a million. The kid was physically harmed by George of the jungle, and mama will probably claim some pasycho damage, as well. It's the Democrat American way.

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    1. Word. I'm not saying it's a fact here, I have avoided the video and the details, but it's become the get-rich-not-quick-but-someday plan for too many Americans.

      Delete
  2. You made it through that Van Trier movie--uck!!! I quit 1/4 way in and just read the synopsis.

    Seattle Kim

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    1. The only half-way watchable movie Lars von Trier ever made is Melancholia, at least as far as the Bear knows. He did not watch the other movie in its entirety. The part where the kid goes out the window is near the beginning, the Bear recalls. Why anyone puts up good money for his trash is beyond the Bear. Even Melancholia, which the Bear enjoyed for the most part, got ruined at Cannes when Lars, next to poor Kirsten Dunst, made a rambling speech in which he said he was a Nazi. (Although Dunst's reaction is cringingly funny.) The only actress who has ever survived more than one Lars von Trier movie is Charlotte Gainsborough.

      Lars von Trier is one of the people the Bear loves to hate. It sort of fits in with the piece. He is talented and daring, which is good, but goes way too far, which is bad.

      Anyway, we never had any more kids after the window thing.

      Delete
  3. Thanks for the reminder of that horrible movie. Watching it is worse than having one's nose chomped off by a chimp.

    I've been to zoos many times, and more than once I have leaned a bit over the railing of a dangerous animal's enclosure, taken a look around, and thought that we should probably keep the little ones further back. Little girls don't get up to as much mischief as little boys, but they are still curious.

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    1. Or other body part. Yes, it is horrible. Have you ever seen a good Lars von Trier movie? The Bear guesses he has some issues with women.

      Zoos want to create the illusion that the animals are free in something approximating their natural habitat. It beats iron bars. But obviously, there was a design flaw, for which the zoo will pay dearly.

      Delete
    2. "Issues with women" is putting it mildly, but yes. The film in question was the first of LvT's that Mr. J had watched; and, subsequently, the last.

      Delete
    3. Depends on the girl and boy. My 6 year old son is a bookworm geek, so the only thing we have to worry about is if his "experiments" get out of hand. My 4 year old daughter, OTOH, is a fiesty sports girl with a very loud voice which she uses frequently. Last September, my wife came home from school with the children after shopping. She brought the things in and expected the children to walk the 20 steps it takes to go from the car throught the back yard to house. My son did, but my daughter just walked half way and started yelling for her mom to carry her inside. My wife didn't hear and after she put the things away she went to the bathroom. When she got out and heard (no more than 5 minutes returning home), she went out and got my daughter. 10 minutes later, two police officers visited the house and questioned her until they were satisfied that nothing was amiss.

      Bear, for the record, you might read the last Narnia book, The Last Battle. Apparently C. S. Lewis agrees with you that Gorillas are the anti-Christ. As for me, I don't share this view. When over 40% Gorillas kill their young through infanticide (or abortion) simply because it's inconvenient or because they want pleasure without procreation, then I'll willing to change my mind.

      IMO, God created gorillas and higher primates to shame us into realizing that without God, we become less than the beasts.

      Delete
  4. I don't fault the parent or the zoo keepers. What I don't understand is that ridiculous fence! Who approved that and what standards were used?

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  5. Bear knows a guy who knows the law. By law, when one invites paying customers into a facility, the customers have a reasonable expectation of safety, is that not correct? There should be no way for a patron to be able to access dangerous animals from the viewing location. The kid found the flaw in the system.

    This wasn't a pool or a playground where parents understand that a kid could get hurt so should be on guard. The fear of a skinned knee should be all that mother was afraid of. Having an enclosure which is able to be breeched by a 4-year-old is not only unsafe for the child and the animal, but also something that any adult would not expect at a zoo. OSHA must have freaked when this happened.

    We have lions in the same kind of enclosure at our Zoo. I've always avoided it. They are too close for my comfort.

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    1. Actually, the Bear is a lawyer, or was. And you're right. They are called "invitees" if the Bear's recollection of law school is correct. There is a whole body of law devoted to "invitees."

      But the Bear was never a tort lawyer and doesn't know all the facts, so will not speculate on possible legal ramifications.

      Delete
  6. " You don't even want to know what a chimpanzee will do to you"...

    Pretty much bite off your face. Do I win a fish???

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    1. If you're a woman, yes. A chimp will use its preturnatural strength to rip off a man's family jewels. And they might also chew either's hands off. All chimpanzees should be sent to a beautiful chimp paradise where they can play and eat bananas forever.

      Delete
    2. MAN!....sounds like Bernie supporters at a Trump rally.

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    3. This sounds like what happened to the man who owned Moe the Chimp in the City of West Covina. The chimp was taken away from them (the animal over 30 years old and had lived with humans for most of his life) and taken to an animal sanctuary, but kept in a cage while being transitioned to a different life. The couple who owned him (and considered him to be their son) took him a cake for a birthday celebration one day. When they entered the room, two other chimps attacked them. Those chimps had escaped their cage. One immediately bit the woman's thumb off, and as her husband tried to protect her, he was attacked by both chimps, who bit off several of his fingers, tore half his face off, and chewed off his genitals. A horrible, horrible story, and I believe the man died recently, having been confined to a wheelchair since the attack.

      Delete

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