Saturday, August 6, 2016

Bear Steals Illinois State Police Car

Bear Steals a State Police Car

The Bear tried to steal a State Police car yesterday.  Ironically, it was at a doughnut shop - no kidding. He roared away while the trooper was otherwise occupied trying to arrest him.  (The handcuffs wouldn't fit.) He stunned her with a roar. (Didn't know Bears could do that, did you?) In a flash, the Bear was in the idling squad car. It was a blast to make the siren and lights go on, and mock the police on the radio.

Then he started to worry. Don't state police cars have LoJack or something? Can't they be tracked?

His whole plan to go on a long joyride was spoiled. He took the first exit, left the cruiser behind a strip mall, and ran for his life. About the only time being a Bear is not cool is when police are looking for a Bear suspect. It was discouraging and horrible.

Anyway, the Bear made it back to Zoar without getting caught, and is now outside the jurisdiction of the State of Illinois. Zoar does not have an extradition treaty. Looks like the Bear will be staying home for awhile.

The Bear knows another way to steal cars that is kind of cool. No, it's not hot wiring or carjacking. Something much more elegant. The Bear will try this method and see how it works. Not with a police car, though.

It is very hard to steal automobiles these days. LoJack, OnStar... Once the Bear was driving along in a stolen vehicle and all of a sudden the engine quit! Darned OnStar! Technology has taken the fun out of everything.


Why does a Bear steal cars? What a ridiculous question! Ever see pictures or videos of Bears trying to get into cars in parks? They aren't begging for food or threatening the occupants. They're trying to steal the car! Bears love to go on joyrides!

Cook County / DuPage County Legal Slang

There is legal slang that is probably unique to Cook County and DuPage County: the verb "lujack."

The Bear believes it is probably unique to that area because of the famous Chicago radio personality, the late Larry Lujack. Also he has not heard it used by anyone other than Chicago / DuPage  County prosecutors.

A prosecutor "lujacks" another lawyer when he hands off a problematic case.  Used in a sentence: "We've been lujacked by that jerk."

Another bit of slang the Bear heard from the same prosecutors, is "lay a mattress."  That might have wider currency, but again, the Bear only heard it from Chicago / DuPage County prosecutors. It means to lower expectations in connection with a tough case.

The Bear learned all this when he worked as an Assistant Attorney General as a prosecutor. The AG would send these enormous, heavily-accented, broad-shouldered, skyscraper lawyers to prosecute cases with him in southern Illinois. They never quite understood that that did not go ever very well down here.

In Cook County, criminal lawyers would work at the legendary "26th and California." The Bear never did, and so was not considered quite a real criminal lawyer by Chicago lawyers.

The Bear is not prepared to comment on the reputation for ethical prosecution in DuPage County currently.  However, let's just say it has suffered in the past.


  1. :)
    Glad you're safe.

    Would this garbage truck riding bear be a relative of yours?


    1. That Bear might have been after the trash. When people leave trash around in Bear territory, it can attract Bears, who become lazy. Of course, his plan could have been to hijack that garbage truck with all the tasty trash inside.

      Personally, the Bear has never stooped to eating trash. He stands straight upright and picks up the trash can and dumps it into his mouth.

  2. Your discussion of DuPage County Courthouse brought back memories. I'm a retired Coast Guard officer...I worked as an Investigating Officer and presented procution cases before an Administrative Law Judge there for years. The courthouse staff were always extremely helpful.

  3. I the Jeanine Nicarico case, DuPage County police and prosecutors conspired to send an innocent man to prison. They knew Brian Dugan was the one, but sent Rolando Cruz to prison of rape and murder. Cruz was set free and shared a 3.5 million dollar settlement. Seven DuPage county officials were indicted. Cases like this are what led to the death penalty's abolishment in Illinois. Our state was a mess.


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