Monday, August 1, 2016

If You Could Make Francis No Longer Pope By Pushing a Button, Would You?

Martyr Fr. Jacques Hamel
The Bear has become an expert on Papal Oral Flatology over the last horrifying three years and eight months. He has noticed, as have many others, that the most noisome eruptions tend to occur when Francis rides in airplanes. It is then that Francis most clearly reveals that he is the West's traitor-in-chief.

In the latest episode of the Vatican Gong Show, "Terror at 30,000 Feet," the Pope's word salad would win praise for sheer daring from Hell's Kitchen's Gordon Ramsay, and the envy of America's dhimmi poster child, Archbishop Blase "Mentally Unstable" Cupich.

The question from a journalist was about 84-year-old french priest Jaques Hamel, who, while saying Mass, had his throat slashed by - oh, never mind, you know with taxonomical certainty by whom.

Pope Francis opened his mouth, and this remarkable statement came out. “Terrorism grows when there is no other option, and to the extent the world economy has at its center the god of money and not the person.”

TBAS Alert and Analysis of Statement

Pope saying something astonishingly stupid.

Fortunately, after the Bear stopped laughing, but before he tried to figure out the statement, his Tar Baby Alert System (TBAS) indicated "a content-free statement with a dangerously high potential for waste of time." In other words, the Bear would get stuck to something designed just to get Bears stuck to it. (It saved him weeks with Francis'  The Joy of Sex alone.)

The meta analysis was more interesting, however. (TBAS was developed by Stark Industries labs in Germany for the Bear. Weltanschauung means "world view.")

The TBAS meta analysis algorithms resulted in a high probability of "Marxist Weltanschauung; and extremely low 2.1% identification with The West; Narcissistic Personality Disorder with a strong need to be liked; Paranoid Delusions about Catholic "Fundamentalists," and a "Very High" rating on the Masonic One-World Religion Scale, sub-identification as "Dalai Lama Generic Spiritual Leader of the World Type."

After adding this new data (including his other comments, below) to the database, the picture of Francis as a not-very-bright, narrow-minded, self-loathing Catholic and panderer with no talent for original thinking merely grew clearer.

Francis: Violence "a Mixed Fruit Salad"

With full knowledge that only the people he really cares about would agree with him, he went on to say that one could not speak of Islamic violence without speaking of Catholic violence. Really?  The Bear must be reading the wrong newspapers. Unless he is speaking of violence to the Faith, and against logic. There are violent people in every religion, you see. It's like a "mixed fruit salad," in his words. (Archbishop Cupich would prefer "a mixed nut cup").

Pope Francis is either a liar or a lunatic with no grasp on reality. In either case, he is not fit to be Pope. But everybody knows that, even his friends. They value his dimness and gullibility. What an insult to Christians and others being killed everywhere with monotonous regularity by adherents of just one religion. The Pope just spit in Fr. Hamel's dead face, and the face of Christ Himself, Who was present at that Mass.

Curious, the Bear ran that question through the TBAS: liar? The answer: "Liar with historico-empirical estimated augmented Wechsler equivalent IQ of 80." That's borderline retardation. Again, the Bear clicked on the "dangerousness" button. The result: "extreme danger mitigated by manifold non-compensatable personal deficiencies." In other words, if he had the tools of a normal human being, he could be very dangerous.

How to Murder Your Wife

Jack Lemmon was a great comic actor who combined a quick, almost agitated nervous manner with extreme likableness. He could redeem even the silliest plot, as he demonstrated in the 1965 comedy, How to Murder Your Wife. A successful action-hero cartoonist, he gets married to a beautiful and affectionate Italian woman who does not speak English. Married life isn't what he had imagined, and even his cartoon turns action hero Bash Brannigan into a domestic putz.

Lemmon's character conceives a storyline where Bash kills his wife and disposes of her body into a cement mixer at a worksite behind his apartment building. The machine is called "the gloppita-gloppita machine" due to the noise it makes. 

Tried for a murder he never really committed, Lemmon takes over his own defense at closing argument, before an all-male jury.

In a sad commentary on marriage in the sixties, the Bear supposes, Lemmon rehearses every petty indignation to which men are supposedly subjected by their wives. He tells the jurors to imagine a button on the rail of the jury box. All they had to do would be to press that button... and their wives would just vanish. No mess, no pain, no murder - just vanish out of their lives.

Of course, the men all agree that they would press the button (!) and acquit Lemmon's character on the grounds of justifiable homicide.

Could We Do Worse Than Francis?

What if there was a button for Pope Francis? A magical button that would not kill, or hurt him in any way. He just wouldn't be Pope anymore. He and his non-Western, screwed up Argentinian Marxist-Peronist worldview; his Narcissistic Personality Disorder; Islamophilia; borderline mental retardation and Modernism would just go away. 

Then we could at least play Conclave Roulette and hope there wasn't another Francis in the chamber. 

On second thought, we know Francis' "extreme danger is mitigated by manifold non-compensatable personal deficiencies." But if we got a smart Francis, one who was able to broaden the appeal of his awful message beyond the majority of usual suspects, then we might be willing to give anything to have the incompetent Jorge Bergoglio back.

Someday Francis will shuffle off this mortal coil and ascend to Marxist-Islamic Heaven, where righteous Reds get to live on a collective beet farm with 72 virgins with hoes.  His will all look like Eva Peron. Then we'll find out whether the Church threw up an outlier, or if Francis was the first Pope of the new normal.


  1. No. We are being punished. God's will be done. But I won't be unhappy when this is finally over.

    1. The Bear respectfully responds that he finds inadequate evidence that this is a divine punishment. It has great explanatory power, but so do a lot of other theories.

      Perhaps the reason the Bear resists the popular divine punishment theory is that it could be applied to any problem, either civil or religious, and encourage some people to adopt a hands-folded-in-lap fatalism. Is Islam a divine punishment? Or is it the natural expression of historical processes?

      Do we fight divine chastisements? Israel was punished, but they didn't roll over at the first sign of the Assyrians or Babylonians. Not that it did them any good. But perhaps fighting the hopeless fight is part of the punishment.

      God could punish us in many ways. Would he punish us by substituting the truth for a lie? By taking away the Church's sacraments? By deluding us by making us have popes who lied and schemed against the faith itself? God can neither deceive nor be deceived. He does not believe God would punish Catholics by lying to them - through his earthly agents of chastisement - about the truths of the faith.

      The Bear will employ Occam's razor. A wicked faction in the conclave conspired to elect a dim, malleable pope from a weird place for their own human purposes. Did God allow it? Did God cause it? Why didn't God prevent it? The Bear does not know, and does not believe it makes a difference. Evil should be resisted, and without second-guessing possible divine reasons.

      Again, with complete respect for you opinion. I cannot say you are wrong, Dymphna. Looking at the same evidence, we both reach different conclusions. Maybe mine is just the Bearish one.

      As long as Francis is Pope, the Bear will launch his barbed quills into the aether, secure in the knowledge that, for whatever reason, Francis is not to be taken seriously as Pope.

    2. Thank you Bear, you are not only a terrific writer and funny but a real gentleman.

  2. A more disturbing question might be, when Francis departs the scene, will we end up with something even worse?

    1. Yes, as I said, an outlier or the first of the new normal? I see two scenarios. The more optimistic is that the cardinals cannot believe how they got snookered into voting for this boob. The cardinals who pushed Jorge Bergoglio will be about as welcome as plutonium and the next conclave will be careful to give us a orthodox pope on the theory that a Francis "ain't good for baseball."

      The less optimistic theory is that Francis's brand of Catholicism is the Catholic Church of today, and he simply reflects that.

      I can't believe the second option, and think they will be careful to give us something other than "a pope of surprises."

    2. For some reason I never felt that Benedict's pontificate was only going to be anything but a short respite then and we'd get something horrible. The monsters who voted for Francis are still going to be there when he is gone and they seem to multiply like zombies.

    3. In order to get another Pope Francis, one needs another South American Jesuit.

      My opinion is that the next Pope will be a quiet do-nothing. This will suit the orthodox cardinals who don't want additional changes to orthodoxy and orthopraxy, the heterodox cardinals who will settle for being left to further the Spirit of Francis in their own local Churches, and the career cardinals who don't want a repeat of Pope Francis' heavy handed Jesuit bureaucratic style.

    4. The less optimistic theory is that Francis's brand of Catholicism is the Catholic Church of today, and he simply reflects that.

      Setting aside his peculiar (largely inchoate) brand of Peronism, you do have to concede that the materialist and moralistic impulses that seem to inform virtually all of his expressed spirituality are pretty danged common among many, many bishops and priests in the Church around the world. In some regions more than others, of course.

      Indeed, the fact that we had two somewhat conservative (not traditionalist, but conservative) popes over the previous 34 years tended to obscure the reality that, in most of the West and Latin America, the Catholic Church had mutated into a de factor liberal Protestant denomination, albeit one with sacraments and apostolic succession.

    5. Lurker#59 may be right: Discontent with Francis is high even among many liberal bishops (see Sandro Magister's article this week on the unhappy Italian bishops).

      We may end up with a an elderly cardinal with a long and clear track record of not making waves, rather than (say) Pope Tagle or Pope Sarah. Which means the Church drifts with inertia for the time being.

  3. Dymphna already made my comment for me although I enjoyed your Jack Lemmon analogy. I have not see that one yet but TCM springs eternal.

    I assume that the process of purification will normally involve suffering. Partly from tradition; partly because most real good that has been done me in this life has involved it. But I don't think the suffering is the purpose of the purgation. I can well believe that people neither much worse nor much better than I will suffer less than I or more. . . . The treatment given will be the one required, whether it hurts little or much.
    C. S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer

    We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. CS Lewis.

  4. These plane pressers are oxygen deprived. They are more aptly called a PAP (papal airplane presser) Smear. It may not get the results the Pope wants, but it indicates the health (or lack thereof) of the patient.

  5. No. I would not push the button. I could not push the button. I will not push the button. Which is really hard for me because I am the ultimate button pusher.

    1. LOL. Kinds like this, only with 'button pushing' :) This is real-life hidden camera of me last Lent.....

  6. I'd push that button as feverishly and frenetically as I do an elevator button or a button at a pedestrian crosswalk.

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