Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Bear Converting to Islam

B'ism Allah, ar-rahman ar-raheem;  as-salaam'alekum.


The Bear is thinking pretty seriously of converting to Islam, in sha' Allah. The more he thinks about it, it is really a no-brainer.

  • It would give him a reason to brush up on his Arabic. ("Marhaban! Ana dub al-jameel.")
  • Everybody would suck up to him.
  • Allah is really the exact same God as Catholics worship, as everyone in the Church keeps insisting, and Muslims are all going to Heaven like everyone else, so no worries there. (No Hell anyway, or at least none ordinary folk like we have to worry about.)
  • Muslims actually take their religion seriously, even the ones in charge.
  • Muslims never had a Vatican II.
  • No single leader saying crazy stuff all the time (you can take your pick).
  • The Bear is pretty sure he could quickly rise to prominence as something involving some serious fanaticism.
  • The Bear could be as Bearish as he wanted, and if anyone said anything, he would just roar "Islamo-urso-phobia."
  • Hunting a Muslim Bear would be a hate crime.
  • A 1300-year-old Bear has learned to play the long game. For the foreseeable future, Muslims are in the cultural catbird seat, not Catholics.
  • Wearing one of those things on his head all the time would cover up his Bear Pattern Baldness.
  • The Bear could even become a cleric, and publish one of those radicalizing ephemera that innocent Muslim kids see and are instantly brainwashed into killers. (Er, make that "instantly become mentally unstable," per Archbishop Cupich and others.)
  • He already has a cave to hide in. And goats.
  • It's as close as he'll ever get to being Muad Dib. (Hmm... "db" means Bear.)
  • He could have more than one- never mind. That's just asking for a blood bath courtesy of Red Death. Including the Bear's blood.
  • Salmon would be shipped in by the truckload from collections in mosques all over the country.
Of course, there has to be a downside.
  • The Bear would have to change the title and artwork of his ephemeris. 
  • There was that whole Sudanese teddy Bear blasphemy case which still rankles.
  • Building a new audience would be a pain, unless he could get all his readers to convert along with him. (Pretty please?)
  • The Bear's brand of cutting humor might not be funny to homicidal fanatics, which would just be inviting a fatwah.
What do you think? In?


  1. Sorry, no can do, I'm expecting Jesus pretty much any time now, and when He does show up, there's gonna be some serious trouble, and I don't want to be on the wrong side a that. So even though right now Muslims are the cool kids and I get that, I'll have to pass and stay with the nerds.

  2. Muad Dib! That takes me back to the early 80s. I wish I could go back. It was a pretty simple time. I could count on a lot of things then. The Video Killed the Radio Star. The Soviets were the bad guys. Reagan lead the good guys. The Iron Lady was in charge in the UK. And I could pretty much count on the Pope speaking and acting like a Catholic.

  3. Yes. I just did a piece on the Golden Age of Radio when the Bear and Red Death were in a small market station. I remember rip-n-read newscasts from pulpy yellowish paper spat out by the ancient, clackety AP machine about the Falklands.

  4. The Bear can also take on more than one wife! I don't know why more men in the US aren't sprinting for the nearest mosque.

    1. Something tells the Bear that such an adolescent fantasy would turn out to be disappointing in real life. I've seen Big Love.

    2. Well yes. But, it is a great recruiting inducement. In Michael Houellebecq French dystopian novel, Submission, polygamy was the final clincher in the protagonist's decision to convert to Islam. Of course, we're talking about a French male.

    3. The women would have their little intrigues, but it would always be 4 to 1 when it came right down to it :-) Of course, what does a Bear know? Mating is pretty simple for them, much like your average college student, but not as frequent.

  5. Wouldn't work Bear. Muslims are humor challenged.

  6. NO WAY! I don't want the Pope trying to kiss my feet. I can put up with his blabbering mouth in many ways but I have to draw the line at foot kissing.

  7. +1 for the Dune reference. My wife and kids are sick and tired of me suggesting we watch Dune (and Serenity).

    And how can this be? For he is the Kwisatz Haderach!

    ... but no thanks for the Mahometan pitch. We can leave that up to the progressive hierarchy to do when the Islamic terror becomes unavoidable.

  8. I've had similar thoughts! Figured I'd wait until after the election, though. If Hillary wins, definitely!


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