Thursday, September 1, 2016

Pope: "Throw Some Salmon to the Bear, Every Day."



Today Pope Francis paid the Bear a great honor. In what is clearly the most sensible thing he has ever done, he invented a brand new corpual work of mercy: giving the Bear salmon. How did we get along without Pope Francis for so long?

As a spiritual work of mercy, care for our common home calls for a “grateful contemplation of God’s world” (Laudato Si’, 214) which “allows us to discover in each thing a teaching which God wishes to hand on to us” (ibid., 85). As a corporal work of mercy, care for our common home requires “simple daily gestures which break with the logic of violence, exploitation and selfishness” and “makes itself felt in every action that seeks to build a better world.” 

The Bear knows what you're thinking. "Is this one of the Bear's parodies? What the Hell does this even mean?"

No, dear readers, it is not one of the Bear's parodies. As for what it means, however, the Pope made everything clear in a, um, subsequent paragraph.

Who is a better symbol of Nature than that irascible, and egotistical blogger known as "The Bear?" It is not enough to say, "the environment," or "Mother Nature." Humans require a focus for their worship. Therefore, all Catholics are required to make daily offerings of salmon to the magnificent ursus arctos, the Bear, through the convenient PayPal buttons on the sidebar of his blog, here. You'll have to scroll down.

Finally, Pope Francis has proved himself to be a good and wise Pope, and the Bear freely admits that he had him figured wrong all along. Needless to say, the Bear will not be criticizing Pope Francis in the future. He is sure his "salmon journalism" will still find many things to write about, just non quite so relevant as the Pope.

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