Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Catholic News Briefs From Around the World Newsreel

Cremation, Unity with Lutherans, Dialogue Between Vatican and Aliens, etc.

You really deserve the mellifluous tones of the professional broadcaster who is The Bear. You'll have to imagine Gary Owens in your head. One day you will be able to hear the voice of the Bear, first made famous in The 1925 Sergei Eisenstein classic, Battleship Potemkin.

"I'm from the Vatican and you are ****ed"

It has taken a vicar or the Church of England to finally put into words what many of us have felt these last three years. Parish Priest Garth Jones drunkenly claimed diplomatic immunity as he wrestled with London police and paramedics. A judge ordered a hefty fine. It is unknown what the C of E will do with the errant cleric.

In other news, the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has nixed clever disposal of cremated loved ones such as scattering dad on the golf course, or even keeping them in an urn, which has been played for comedic effect in countless movies.

Cardinal Gerhard Müller made it clear that cremation is definitely Plan B in the Church, but if you insist, the ashes have to go into a cemetery.

You will also be pleased that someone at the Vatican found time to wish Hindus a happy Diwali, with the usual gaseous grammatical connections between Christianity and Religion X of the day.

In other news, Caritas International, spoiling any chance it ever had of seeing so much as a scale from the Bear's salmon, declared "unity" between the Catholic Church and whoever is speaking for the numerous bickering Lutheran synods. (That would be "no one.") Sweden is ever so excited to be the site of something important since the 1956 Olympics.

In Pope Francis' one-paragraph homily, he used the word "dialogue" six times, if any of you are playing a drinking game.

In a Wikileaks dump from a couple of weeks ago, it is clear that the Vatican is being brought up to date on Extra Terrestrial Intelligence. Emails from the late astronaut Edgar Mitchell, and Hillary boss John Podesta say," My Catholic colleague Terri Mansfield will be there too, to bring us up to date on the Vatican's awareness of ETI."

With all the news you can bear to hear - this is the Bear, signing off.


  1. Bear. Thanks for keeping us date. Suggested slogan for Bear News: All the news you love to hate.

  2. The Church knows all about Extra Terrestrial Intelligence. They're called "angels".

  3. A drinking game is required to get through any Francis homily. Tequila shots mandatory for airplane interviews.

  4. Yes, a drinking game in our house is: we read all the bad news we can stomach, then we go have a drink. Lots of fun.


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