(MUSIC: SPANISH THEME SONG [A TANGO]... FADES]
ANNOUNCER: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, from the Meridian Room in the Park Plaza in New York City, we bring you the music of Jorge Tranquello and his orchestra. With a touch of the Spanish. Jorge Tranquello leads off with "La Cumparsita."
(PIECE STARTS PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our program of dance music to bring you a special bulletin from Intercontinental Radio News. At twenty minutes before eight, central time, Professor Farrell of the Mount Jennings Observatory, Chicago, Illinois, reported observing several explosions of incandescent gas, occurring at regular intervals in Germany. We now return you to the music of Jorge Tranquello, playing for us in the Meridian Room of the Park Plaza Hotel in New York.
(MUSIC PLAYS FOR A FEW MOMENTS... SOUND OF APPLAUSE)
ANNOUNCER: We are now ready to take you to the Vatican Observatory in Rome, where Carl Phillips, our commentator, will interview Professor Guido Versace, S.J.
PHILLIPS: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Carl Phillips, speaking to you from the observatory in Vatican City. With me is Professor Guido Versace, S.J. Would you please tell our radio audience exactly what you see as you observe Germany through your telescope?
VERSACE: Nothing unusual at the moment.
PHILLIPS: Then you're quite convinced that living heresy, as we know it, does not exist in Germany?
VERSACE: I'd say the chances against it are a thousand to one.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentleman, we are bringing you back to our studio for the latest bulletin from Intercontinental Radio News. It is reported a huge flaming object, believed to be a meteorite, fell from the sky at 8:50 p.m. on a farm near Grovers Mill, New Jersey. We take you there, where our special mobile unit is already at the scene.
(SOUND OF POLICE SIRENS AND CROWD NOISE)
MASLOW: This is Rollo Maslow, reporting from near Grovers Mill, New Jersey. Ladies and gentlemen, with me is Mr. Wilmuth, the owner of the farm. Mr. Wilmuth, would you please tell the radio audience as much as you can remember of the rather unusual object that dropped in your backyard? Step closer, please.
WILMUTH: Well, I was just online, checking out my usual blogs and stuff, and hear a big crash. I look out the back window and see this weird, green glow. Then there's a knock on the door. Naturally, I figured it was some trick or treaters, you know? But it was more like a hammering. So I get my basket - full-size candy bars, understand, because we don't get many kids out here - and open the door, expecting a zombie or something.
MASLOW: And what did you see?
WILMUTH: A zombie! But, not some kid. It was a real zombie! I could tell because... because he was missin' things, things from his body and smelled real bad. He tried to tell me something, but it was in some foreign language. It sounded like... like German.
MASLOW: Can you tell our audience what you found on your door?
WILMUTH: These here papers. I can't read 'em. But I got a cold feeling as I watched him lurch away. Funny costume, too. All black, weird little hat. Big fella for a zombie, but I guess I wouldn't know. So, now, the phone starts ringin'. It's other folk here around these parts. They're asking me if I saw the German zombie guy! Turns out he's everywhere, and others, too. None of 'em want candy, but they all have somethin' to give you.
MASLOW: Like what, Mr. Wilmuth?
WILMUTH: Well, some got these Unibomber type manifestos like me. One of 'em said it was in German. Others got little comic books from some Chick outfit. There are all sorts of these characters, going from door to door asking if people are "saved," handing out magazines and tracts and such. Finally, I -"
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our on-the-scene report and return you now to the Vatican Observatory, where our correspondent Carl Phillips is with Professor Guido Versace, S.J.
PHILLIPS: Professor Versace has an official statement from the top scientists at the Vatican Observatory. Go ahead, Professor.
VERSACE: Beginning in Germany, then spreading all over the world, rocket ships have deposited thousands - perhaps many more - of intelligent creatures we are calling "Protestants." Our agents have personally examined their writings - although admittedly, they are conflicting in many respects - and have actually accompanied these creatures and opened a dialog.
PHILLIPS: Professor, what should people know about these protestors?
VERSACE: Not "protestors." "Protestants." We wish to assure everyone that they are harmless. Indeed, they display little, if any, significant differences from us. We believe we have much to learn from our visitors about, say, liturgy, perhaps even moral theology, soteriology, eschatology... pretty much you name it.
PHILLIPS: Thank you, Professor. I'm sure that will be of much comfort to our listeners.
ANNOUNCER: Now, we take you by telephone to the Woodlands, for an early editorial opinion from a listener who identifies himself only as "the Bear."
BEAR: There you have it, ladies and gentleman, With infinite complacence Catholics went to and fro over the earth about their little affairs, serene in the assurance of their dominion over the West. Yet intellects vast, cool and unsympathetic - especially Calvinists - regarded the West with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us. On this particular evening, little did we realize...
It was Reformation Day.
A HOAX? YOU BE THE JUDGE!
HAPPY... HALLOWEEN FROM THE BEAR.