Monday, September 1, 2014

The Bear's Adventure at the School of Theology

The Bear's doctorate from the Bavarian Equestrian Culinary and Theology School is unaccountably not accepted by most schools in this country. He therefore set out one sunny day to obtain a Master's degree in Theology.

The school was described as "conservative," and was within a three hour drive for weekend courses. He took an excellent distance-learning course taught by the rector. It was about the shaping of the Medieval mind, and was entertaining, enlightening and challenging.

Then there was the Old Testament course. This was the class that convinced the Bear that if a Master's in Theology required taking feminist ravings seriously, the Bear didn't want one. Here are some notes from the period.

Miriam led the people out of Egypt, but the patriarchy replaced her with Moses so Charlton Heston could play him. Fortunately, despite having complete control of the text, the all-powerful patriarchy could not entirely erase Miriam. (Probably because "find and delete" hadn't been invented yet.) 
From the few places she is mentioned, we can reconstruct the actual events, and learn how Miriam is the real key figure of the Old Testament. 
The evidence is compelling. She is said to have shaken her tambourine during the big song-and-dance number after crossing the Red Sea. So clearly, Miriam is really the one who led the Hebrews across the Red Sea, not her stammering, murderous brother Moses. So every time you read about a tambourine, like in psalms, that is a trace of Miriam that got past the 100% control of men who felt so threatened by her they practically wrote her out of her own story. 
Also there's something about everyone flipping out on Moses over his black wife ("Cushite.") So they were racist, too. Except for Moses. And probably the women. And Miriam got turned white as snow from a bout of leprosy, but that was just a story made up by the men who made up everything else in the Bible to torture Miriam and oppress women. And black women.

Feminist theologians:
even Bears are afraid
That was just one article from Phyllis Trible we had to read. At first, the Bear was a good sport, you know, sure, we have to read articles from different schools of thought. But then came another, and another. The Bear got more and more irritated because he was, after all, paying money to be forced to read patent nonsense. If that was Old Testament scholarship, then the Bear could play that game without spending thousands of dollars on a degree. Like this:

Hebrews originally worshiped Bears. (After all, who wouldn't?) Although later scribes tried their best to erase all references to Bears, the truth is preserved in 2 Kings 2:23,24. The Prophet Elisha is mocked by boys, and Elisha invokes a curse against them. Who should appear but two divine Bears to punish the little hoodlums! This is top-drawer Bearist scholarship, ladies and gentlemen.

With an attitude like this, you will not be surprised to learn that the Bear got an F in the class. He got an A in the other one, though. A C average isn't bad for a Bear, but, sadly, that was the end of the Bear's Master's Degree aspirations.

Bears do not suffer fools gladly. Here's a tune in honor of Miriam.


  1. I made the mistake of looking her up, and found the title of one of her articles: "Depatriarchalizing in Biblical Interpretation". Ouch.

    The worst I have experienced was the required training to be a CCD teacher. I went to my pastor to complain; he pretty much said to ignore it.

    1. She and her sisterhood have their claws deep into academia. Pretty sad when you're told to ignore the training you've been sent to. If all the manure they shoveled was actually useful, think of what we might accomplish. The Tribles of the world are insidious since they strike at the foundation of scripture. The joke is everybody knows they're grinding a feminist ax, but somehow that's supposed to be legitimate. At least she's not Catholic. Catholic Biblical scholarship at least has rules.

      CAUTION: Not responsible for intellectual damage or damage to computers from looking up Phyllis Trible.

  2. SEE!!! You're doing it! You're white washing the fact that the bears in most translations of 2 Kings 2:24 were SHE-bears. Now Phyllis WhatsHerFace probably would prefer if it were translated WYMYN bears or something but that doesn't make it OK to omit the fact.

    Apocryphal translations also seem to hint that the reason these 'grrrl' bears were so angry had to do with the particular time of the month and that they were tired of the patriarchal, patriarchs, being all patriarchy.

  3. Yes, I was being patriarchal without even realizing it. But Bears don't have a patriarchy. She-Bears are the most mysterious creatures of all to Bears, since they only ever see them for a few minutes to mate, then that's it. Cubs don't have daddy Bears. Bears are terrible deadbeat fathers.


Moderation is On.

Featured Post

Judging Angels Chapter 1 Read by Author

Quick commercial for free, no-strings-attached gift of a professionally produced audio book of Judging Angels, Chapter 1: Last Things, read...