Saturday, August 15, 2015

Dear Reinhard 3 -- "Strudel"

Recap: Lena the bisexual prostitute has moved in with "Muddled" and his wife "Multi" with the blessing of Reinhard. Our trio continues to have issues, however. Third in a series with Dear Reinhard -- Is Sex With a Prostitute Adultery? and Dear Reinhard 2 -- The Plot Thickens.

Once again, we look over the shoulder of Germany's favorite of the world's worst advice columnist, Reinhard Marx, as he opens up his mailbag...

Dear Reinhard,

Well, by now we all know all about my relationship with "Muddled" and "Multi." This is Magdelena, or Lena. (And thanks for using my real name, guys. Nice.)

So anyway, things are going pretty good in our "stable, loving relationship." (They said I might want to put that in.) What I'm missing from "Muddled's" trade, I make up for by being on my own now. I've left the brothel and set up shop in our apartment. That way I can contribute to the family budget.

There's only one problem. We'll call her "Strudel." That would be the six-year-old daughter of my "family." She's a snoopy little brat who's making it hard to conduct my business. She's always wanting to talk to the customers, and I finally even had to put a lock on my bedroom door! I don't want anyone thinking she's on the menu. I don't need to be dealing with creeps like that.

As her "other mother," I think I should be able to teach Strudel and, you know, punish her and stuff. She don't respect me. What should I do?

Signed, Magdalena in Munich (no kidding, huh?)

Reinhard replies...

Blended families present problems that may seem unique, but are the same every family faces. You can rest assured that the Church is with you on your journey. It offers nothing but support and approval, no matter what.

I suggest you have a prayerful, frank discussion with Strudel's other parents about her disruption of your business, and your need to apply, mild, loving discipline. But you should understand that children are naturally curious, and, as long as you are not leaving her alone with your customers for an extended length of time, meeting people different from herself is not necessarily a bad thing.

I can only imagine the trauma that led you to become a sex worker. The Church understands your economic necessities, and, as long as you are insisting on the appropriate precautions, has no comment. “'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She replied, 'No one, sir.' Then Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you.'"

One thing I cannot pass by, however. It was perhaps unhelpful for you to judge those who may suffer from intergenerational attraction. Remember what Pope Francis said? "Who am I to judge?" Every teaching of the Christian faith, along with the other two Great Abrahamic religions, Judaism and Islam, can be reduced to those five simple words.

And scripture reminds us that if we ourselves do not judge others, then God will not judge us. It's like Monopoly!

"Du kommst aus dem Gefängnis frei Karte!"

God bless,


  1. Uh-oh! Do you dare reveal the letter inquiring of relations with the family's Alsatian? Oh Bear! The squalor is too horrible to bear! But it would certainly be where our fallen human nature leads. Why don't out prelates understand this!? In their eyes we are ever-so-advanced, so much so that we can now "save the planet" ecologically. Fools!

    1. Yeah, this is pretty squalid. Only a Bear could get away with it. Although another blogger has his own addition to the "Dear Reinhard" franchise that was similar to what you suggest. He may had decided not to go with it. Perhaps because dogs can't really write.

  2. Bwa ha ha ha! Oh Mr. Bear, this is the finest installment!!!

    Seattle kim

  3. That was pretty harsh, for Reinhard to tell Lena not to judge her clients who may "suffer" from intergenerational attraction. !!! The pews are emptying out and we're going to drive even more people away with language like that. Better to say people "experience" intergenerational attraction. It's a deep-seated tendency, and we don't know what causes it. If they suffer, I dare say it's because of how we talk about it. We must accept them with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided.

    1. I'm sure Reinhard was displaying solidarity with those who must bear society's opprobrium for the way they -- through no choice of their own -- experience love. After all, they were born that way, right? Tolerance, nay, celebration must be the touchstone for dealing with sexuality, no matter what form it may take.


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