Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Pope Commands Bear Worship September 1st

Pope Francis wants us to pray for creation on September 1st from now on. The Bear prefers to think of the world celebrating God with mankind, as in so many wonderful Psalms. "The Lord hath reigned, let the earth rejoice: let many islands be glad," etc. But we know better than the Holy Spirit nowadays. The earth is miserable and oppressed, and just wishes all those evil capitalists would die.

On a small scale there is the 7th Century Irish saint Fiacre, the patron of gardeners. He is traditionally celebrated on September 1st.

But if we're going to go all in celebrating green things and mighty mountains, the Bear suggests a suitable symbol. Something untamed, majestic, even fierce. Something like, oh, a Bear. Nature in microcosm, no?

Perhaps you all could compose panegyrics to the Bear. Make offerings. And the Bear, in turn, would take all that positive energy and direct it toward healing the planet according to the... er, mystical Bear traditions.

The Bear sees merchandising. The Official Vatican Mascot of the First Nature Worship Day. The Bear will be expecting a cut, of course.

Bear worship has a long and distinguished history way back to caveman days.

Hey, it's the thought that counts.

Just tell us where the asherah poles go.


  1. First by way of education: asherah pole. "An Asherah pole was a representation of Israel’s idolatry. It was a physical symbol of all those things that were keeping the Israelites from submitting to God fully."

    Now, of course, The Bear with his subtle method of indirection has cleverly designed a means of doing a spiritual work of mercy, namely instructing the ignorant, in a most paradoxical way by making himself a replacement for the infamous idol of Baal with asherah polls on either side. How brilliant is the Bear!? In one fell swoop he calls attention to how all of us, along with our dear Pope, are becoming worshipers of Mother Earth and all she has to offer, while, at the same time, profiting handsomely from sale of miniature replicas of his furry self. Long live The Bear.

  2. The Bear just considers it a win-win. And you go to the head of the class!

  3. The food looks amazing and such a fun venue!

    1. Okay, I'm going to let this go through because of all the pretty Christmas trees, and the Bear has always wanted a wreath made of shiny ornaments.


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