If there's one thing the Bear knows it's circuses. The Bear has always lurked about the habitations of human beings. (He still does; sorry if that sounds creepy.) People are entertaining, and always have food laying around. Especially now.
The problem is that people find Bears entertaining, too. While a prime specimen of ursus arctos, or brown bear, can run 21 miles per hour, this particular Bear is 1300 years old. Over the centuries he's lost a step or two. And as upset as St. Corbinian was about his horse, the Bear can only imagine how mad he'd be if the Bear really did bite a person in the face. (Not that he wouldn't; must keep everyone unsure, you know.)
All of this comes back to circuses. Well, that, and Bear-baiting, but we don't talk about that, except to say the Bear -- miraculously -- is undefeated. The disgraceful truth is the Bear, who can't run very fast, and won't bite pursuers in the face, has never been particularly hard to catch. If follows that he has spent a good many years in circuses.
The Bear always enjoyed performing, because it seemed to make people happy. Being endowed with an intelligence far greater than other Bears, he was able to mitigate the crueler aspects of the business. Except in Turkey, where they seemed to just enjoy torturing Bears. You will excuse the Bear if he retains to this day a dislike of Muslims. He has never met one that does not say the most astonishingly vile things when he feels safe to do so.
|It's about the clowns.|
Clowns, as we know them, are a late invention, going back only to the 19th century. The Bear spent most of his circus days in the British Isles, finding the English to be the kindest and most civilized people in the world. He was with the best of show people. He knew the Payne Brothers -- wonderful clowns -- and spent thirty years with the fabulous Pablo Fanques circus.
The Bear being personally acquainted with the Hendersons and Mr. Kite, imagine his delight when the Beatles made their famous song, "For the Benefit of Mr. Kite." Alas the Bear is forgotten. Even so, it brought back fond memories.
Pablo was an equestrian. That meant that horses were the star attractions. You may imagine the torture of appetite the Bear suffered as he watched them circling the ring from his cage. Not only that, it was galling to be limited to Bear bits when he could have stood on his hind legs and recited limericks while smoking a cigar! But the Bear always knew his real capabilities were a secret between him and St. Corbinian.
They didn't have many clowns. The truth is, the Bear has not met anyone who actually likes clowns. Some people actually fear them: coulrophobia. A good circus keeps clowns to a minimum. They're more of a distraction than an entertainment.
The Bear has observed the Vatican as if it were a circus, and if it were, an immediate change of management would be in order. It's a circus made up nearly entirely of clowns. Who wants that?
- Fr. Raniero Cantalamessa, papal preacher
- Fr. Federico Lombardi, press secretary who is absolutely not a homosexual
- many German clowns, including Cardinals Reinhard "Kirchensteuer" Marx and Walter Kasper (Germans make the absolute worst clowns: destructive and humorless.)
- Vatican functionary Krysztof Charasma, who jumped out of his little car, said he was gay, to no applause, and was fired
- American clowns: Bishop Robert Barron, who used to do a good job as the Carl Sagan of Catholicism; Archbishop "selling aborted baby parts is bad, but no worse than unemployment" Blase Cupich, and Cardinal Timothy "Bravo" Dolan.
- Oh, and the USCCB stands for "United States Clown College for Bishops."
Just who's running this circus, anyway?