Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Pope Francis Tells Swedish Rape Victims, "Put Some Ice on It"

"Wait until you see what I've got up my sleeve this time."

This year's Holy Thursday gimmick is washing the feet of refugees. Guess we'll have to wait until next year for Pope Francis to wash the feet of polar bears to bring attention to global warming.

Your Holiness, the Bear respectfully suggests that you instead travel to Sweden, where immigration has brought the second-highest rate of rape in the world, and wash the feet of women who have been raped by refugees. If you can go there Halloween to celebrate the blessings of the Reformation with Lutherans, surely you could do something for Swedish women, whom statistics suggest 1 out of every 4 will be raped. Or do you not place the same value on the lives of personas que viven en el hemisferio norte?

In the Book of Romans, St. Paul addresses Christians who insist on doing something that may be harmless, but may nonetheless cause a brother or sister to stumble. In that case, it involved eating, but can it not be applied to these incessant gimmicks to highlight matters of controversy instead of the religious significance?
Then let us no more pass judgment on one another, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself; but it is unclean for any one who thinks it unclean. If your brother is being injured by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. Do not let what you eat cause the ruin of one for whom Christ died. So do not let your good be spoken of as evil.

(Romans 14:13-16 RSV)

And so, once again, St. Paul resists St. Peter to his face.

Pope Francis knows that this decision will turn what is supposed to be an act with religious significance into a political controversy. He doesn't care. Leftists cannot resist an opportunity for agitprop, religion be damned. This is the same mentality that turns the very Body of Christ into a prop at the Mexican border for a photo-op. Sacrilege is the only word.

SCB News Exclusive

BioParc di Roma: favorite spot for
chatty Vatican insiders. 
According to our ursine sources in the BioParco di Roma (who hear a lot, let the Bear tell you) Pope Francis is making the following additional changes for Holy Week.

The Pope has ordered the existing Stations of the Cross at the Papal Basilica of Santa Maria Maggiore to be replaced with images representing the difficult travels of various refugee groups to Europe.

Pope Francis, saying that "the cross of our age is the refugee boat," is having the crucifix replaced with a battered refugee boat when he celebrates Holy Thursday mass. He is encouraging all parishes to follow his example. "Yes, the cross is an important symbol, but what does it say about any of today's political issues?" the Pope asked. U.N. head Ban Ki-Moon's feet will be washed as well as the refugees' feet, SCB News has learned.

This Easter Muslim refugees will be allowed to take communion alongside Catholics, as Pope Francis said, "in a show of acceptance and brotherly love, since we worship the same God of Abraham."

In order to make more room to welcome refugees and address the pressing crisis of overpopulation, Pope Francis will institute a "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding the use of contraceptives. When asked what that means, Pope Francis winked and said, "no doctrine has been changed, but who am I to judge?"

Also, children of native families in excess of two are to be forbidden the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Mixing his metaphors, the Pope said, "It is regrettable, but if the rabbits are irresponsible, the Shepherd must exercise his authority, like Patriarch Jacob carefully controlled Laban's flock."

Pope Francis is also publishing a new set of sorrowful mysteries for the rosary to be used during Holy Week.

  • 1st Mystery -- the drowning of the polar bear
  • 2nd Mystery -- the drowning of the refugees
  • 3rd Mystery -- the trafficking in arms
  • 4th Mystery -- the isolation of gays
  • 5th Mystery -- the irresponsible breeding of the rabbits

Cub reporters alert and on the beat.
Our sources say the Pope will change the 1983 canon law, and put the United States under interdict until it opens its border with Mexico, to take effect after Easter. "Interdict" means that nearly all Church activities will be suspended. Our sources in chanceries inform us that bishops approve. One is quoted as saying, "It's about time we got rid of all this mumbo jumbo so we can devote ourselves full time to social justice issues."

One bit of good news for those who admire the Church's past is that Pope Francis is bringing the sedia gestatoria out of mothballs and will from now on ride in a seat borne upon the shoulders of eight men to encourage "greener" methods of transportation. The last pope to ever use it was Pope John Paul I. It is rumored that the bearers will represent different religions: Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Animist, Pagan and Atheist. The traditional white ostrich feather fans will be replaced by recycled newspapers.

If you have read the "SCB News Exclusive" this far and believe what follows it is true, first, the Bear must reflect on what that says about this pontificate. Second, relax, it's satire. Third, see "Poe's Law." Fourth, note the "parody" label. Finally, what is true is that Pope Francis is going to wash the feet of refugees on Holy Thursday.

The Bear has visions of this becoming an Orson Welles "War of the Worlds" panic.

 (h/t Et Cum Spiritu Tuo.)

28 comments:

  1. Dear Bear,

    Please say this is a joke. I am so upset by the occupier of the Chair of St. Peter, I am loosing heart...as a convert there is no place else to go!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Pope is washing the feet of refugees. For real.

      The rest depends on the reliability of our sources residing in the BioParc di Roma. But you can always check the labels at the bottom of the piece to see if it include parody.

      And please do not post anonymously.

      Nail your foot to the floor in front of your favorite pew and die there. Don't let a bad time now make you lose the big picture.

      Delete
    2. This is a Catholic version of the Onion. But sadly there are people who will believe it.

      Delete
  2. You've got to put a sarcasm tag on this. I'm sure whatever he actually does is going to be horrible, but don't set off a panic!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, if someone wants to believe items reported by what bears overhear in a zoo, I don't know what to say, except Poe's Law strikes again. There is a "parody" label on the piece. But Pope Francis is still washing refugees' feet.

      Delete
    2. Technically, it's "satire," since it is pointed and meant to sting. A legitimate tool in the ephemerist's exposure of error of the powerful.

      Delete
    3. I know what you mean Elizabeth! At this point, nothing is 'unbelievable' with this Pope!

      Delete
  3. It used to be about Christ and the salvation of souls.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Let's say the Pope really cares about the refugees. Let's say he loses sleep over their plight on a regular basis. Apart from making the observation that there is something very unnatural, unjust, evil - one is tempted to say, about a papa who seems to care more about children of foreign families, lands and customs than about his own children (who, by the way, get raped and beheaded on a regular basis), I dare ask: Since he cares so much, would it not be prudent to encourage heads of states with whom he rubs shoulders not infrequently, to stop inciting wars for oil and geopolitical strategy? Instead he seems to be having a swell time with them, all smiles and secret deals, like the one with communists in Cuba (yet again, there is a visible lack of concern for papa's children tortured in jails). Why should the poor refugees leave their homes burnt to the ground by so called bearers of democracy and by peace prize winners, if they could live peacefully, homes intact, under the regime they themselves democratically elected?
    This man's concern is fake. He has no concern for those under his care, and none for those who hate the only true God he was elected to represent, and whose his feet he will unashamedly wash for show.It is all a farce.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's it! I just packed my family and what precious belongings we own into the van and we're now headed to the shelter in the desert. Also, I burned down our condo so the Mohammedans won't get it. Thanks, Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bear,

    You need to find a way to have comments via "Name/URL" in which a person does not have to log into any web site to leave a comment. One can just type in their name. See the options that Timman and I have. (I'd appreciate it too. I can't seem to get to my blogger log in from my tablet to comment here.) THanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I changed it to the most liberal setting which allows anonymous users. I'll see how it goes.

      Delete
  7. Dear Bear,

    I wouldn't be much surprised if what you call parody turned out to be a prophetic word. I am waiting for the new sorrowful mysteries to appear on this side of the wormhole. "1st Mystery -- the drowning of the polar bear" indeed.

    And greetings :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. That's great. Thanks Bear! I hope you don't get too much unwanted commentary. You can still moderate and delete inappropriate comments prior to publication.

    I used Name/URL option this time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I go this way, I have to moderate, because of spam, which is never a problem the other way. Also, I abhor anonymous posts. I know I personally don't like waiting for moderation. Everything's a trade-off, but thanks for the suggestion. I hope it isn't too much of a problem for you.

      Delete
  9. Maybe the 2nd mystery could be the throwing overboard and subsequent drowning of Christian refugees by Muslims but that's probably way too un-ecumenical for Frankenpope.

    Seattle Kim.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure, but I don't think Christians count as refugees.

      Delete
  10. Excellent Bear. Great "newsy" item. Contains much poetic truth.

    Inside information: I understand the 2016 Republican National Convention has secretly drafted a proposal inviting Pope Francis to become their candidate of choice replacing the two rascals: Trump and Cruz. While there appears to be a Constitutional provision against a non-citizen, non-American becoming President efforts to understand how President Obama faked his own credentials may have application to the Papal invitation. Vatican sources have indicated interest by Pope Francis who it is rumored is bored with his present living quarters.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And he could take the "Malvinas" back with a U.S. carrier battle group and tell Great Britain to "bring it."

      Delete
  11. I get the impression that he's pleased by the invasion but he seems to have forgotten what invaders do to the local women. I hope he doesn't consider that as an unfortunate piece of eggshell in the glorious omelet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are just collateral damage on the way to a bright and shining future on Earth.

      Delete
  12. Well Dymphna, I think Frank
    Is more interested in men in general.

    Seattle Kim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm. I hadn't considered that.

      Delete
    2. "Well Dymphna, I think Frank Is more interested in men in general."

      Now, now.

      Delete
  13. Worst reporting I've seen in years.... This is all BS... Lies, lies, lies

    ReplyDelete
  14. Worst reporting I've seen in years.... This is all BS... Lies, lies, lies

    ReplyDelete

Your comment will likely be posted after the Bear snuffles it. Please, no anonymous posts, and no links to videos. Have a great day!

Featured Post

Judging Angels Chapter 1 Read by Author

Quick commercial for free, no-strings-attached gift of a professionally produced audio book of Judging Angels, Chapter 1: Last Things, read...