Thursday, August 11, 2016

The Devil Visits the Woodlands

A Visit from The Chairman

"The Chairman's Choice:" Mercedes G-Class
The Devil arrived at the woodlands in a procession of black Mercedes G-Class SUVs. The red-and-black flag of our new one-world government fluttered from the hood. Demons in black suits and sunglasses stayed close to him, while others swarmed all over Zoar's five acres. Black helicopters patrolled overhead. The Bear was a little flattered, he must admit, to be visited by The Chairman, which is, as you no doubt know by now, what he calls himself.

He was not dressed in a suit. Instead he wore well broken-in  Reaganesque outdoor attire, with cowboy boots. Apparently he felt this appropriate to the rustic setting. In person, he was not the tall, forbidding figure you have seen on TV. He was shorter than the Bear expected, even for a human. The bear did not get any sort of "evil vibe" from him at all. The Bear did file away in his memory the security detail. Interesting implications.

He smiled as he walked up, and extended a hand. The Bear gave him a friendly pawshake. The Bear has lived for 1300 years in a man's world, and has learned it's always best to be friendly with whoever's on top at the moment. He made a joke about approving of the Bear's goats, and the Bear chuckled. We agreed goats were better than sheep.

The Devil's Security Protocols

Of course, the Bear invited him into Zoar Manor. The demon who was apparently the chief of his security detail informed the Bear that he would need to remove or cover any items of Catholic significance. ("You know, like the Pope covers up his cross on those videos.") Of course, the Bear considerately complied with his guest's request. A heavy metal box was brought in, and the Bear was politely asked to deposit anything blessed into it for temporary safekeeping. In went rosaries and medals.

The Bear's "Rouges' Gallery" and Cheesecake

Once the Bear's house had been sanitized, and the dogs locked away, the Bear showed The Chairman around. He seemed to be politely interested. When he saw the Bear's rogue's gallery of traitors to the West, he said the Bear had remarkable insight. The Bear does not know if it was flattery or sincere. Probably both.

The Bear's driver, bodyguard and factotum, Red Death, his mate, made fresh coffee and served cheesecake. (The Devil likes cheesecake, if anyone is collecting trivia.) The Bear has to say that the slavering caricature found in fiction like The Screwtape Letters is way off base. The Chairman was literally indistinguishable from any other statesman, and better company than most.  He kept two of his detail with him. They did not eat. The Bear couldn't blame the Devil. After all, he was in a room with a Catholic Bear.

The Woodlands Loophole

The Chairman and the Bear chatted about the last millennium. It was wonderful to be able to reminisce with someone even older than the Bear. He complained that he got blamed for so much that he had nothing to do with, but just shrugged. "Comes with the territory, I guess," he said.

The reason for the visit was interesting. With the entire human world now his, he noticed the woodlands alone had somehow escaped his control. He was quite complimentary about that, by the way, but the Bear could tell that The Chairman was a bit annoyed that even such an insignificant place as the woodlands was not within his grasp.

It seems that sentient animals are a horse of a different color. The Devil - or The Chairman - frankly does not know how to deal with us, since we are not sons and daughters of Adam and Eve. In other words, we seem to fall under a loophole that The Chairman's legal team has not been able to close. Since it appears that the woodlands and all its creatures fall outside of his jurisdiction, he was most anxious to establish cordial relations with the one, tiny, dot on the map that was not part of his One-World government.

That's right. The entire world is under the control of the Devil, except for a patch of woods in southern Illinois inhabited by talking animals. The Devil seems to take this seriously for reasons the Bear has not quite figured out. He was willing, however, to disclose much to the Bear during our long conversation, which he knew to be on-the-record. The Bear intends to share what he learned. He hopes he is not playing right into the Devil's hands somehow.

The Bear's First Question

For now, he'll just relate the first question. The Bear asked if there are any institutions that he did not control - outside the woodlands, that is. He shook his head and said no, I finally have every last one of them. The Bear carefully asked if the very highest positions were infiltrated by his agents. He smiled and asked what the Bear thought. His amused and proud manner confirmed the Bear's worst suspicions, although the Bear could not say he was surprised.

Expect more substantive articles on this historic meeting to come.


  1. Is there any merit in asking questions of a liar and murderer?

    1. I used to do that for a living, remember.


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