Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Bear Hates Advice

The Bear hates advice.

First of all, it always seems to be humans who are giving him all this wonderful advice. How to spend his time. What to eat. The miracles somehow obtained through moving one's body through space, which the Bear finds especially superstitious.

The Bear always asks some professional advice-giver (and they're everywhere), "Are you a Bear?" The answer is always no. So, the Bear must ask: why should he listen to advice on how to be a Bear from a human?

Sometimes the Bear forgets to eat for a couple of three days. Or sleep. But he's not sitting around watching Miami Vice reruns, you know.

"You should regulate the amount of sleep you get. Eight to ten hours every night."

"Have you just completed a 165,000 word novel?"


"Maybe an 80,000 word novel?"

"No, I don't really-"

"Maybe you would if you weren't sleeping your life away. Are you a Bear?"

"I already answered that one."

"Then stop telling me how to be a Bear. Somehow, the Bear has managed to live a fairly rich life without your help. He continues to do so. Do you write an ephemeris?"

"What's that?"

"The Bear is sorry, but he is arresting you for Bear malpractice. You will be sentenced to have a Bear tell you how to be a human. First off. Go catch a horse and eat it."

"I can't - won't do that!"

"Consider it exercise. Exercise will solve all of your problems. And the Bear bets no one has ever told you that before, right? Eat plenty of fresh salmon from the stream."

"I don't know how to fish, and I certainly won't eat raw fish."

"You will die."



  1. Wow, Bear, I think you should cool down a bit. ;-)

  2. Keep sticking to it and learn to....
    Wait for it.....
    Grin and bear it.

  3. My 450 gram ursine brain works completely differently than a "normal" brain. It makes me ver growly when someone wants to criticize a patently successful life strategy because it is different. I don't want to practice "mindfulness" either!!!

  4. If I were you, the only one I'd listen to is your wife. Seriously.

  5. Who in their right mind would ever tell the Bear what to do? Of course, the answer is simple: no one in their right mind would do it.

  6. You can hibernate when it's winter.

  7. Bear,

    Don't let anyone rob you of your "ness". You need to hold onto to your "Bear-ness", no matter what. You've had to smell your way through seven different kinds of smoke many times I'm sure. Be the Bear.

    No charge for the advice, I borrowed it.

    1. Bears qua Bears are walking DSM-5s. They are moody, unpredictable, grandiose, dangerous, manipulative, and charming. They have visions, and sleep for months at a time. Some are serial pony-killers. But Bears have their own DSM. And according to it, Bears are perfectly normal. Humans on the other hand...

  8. Just remember it's a fine line between manic productiveness and delusion. Maybe a prayer or two to St. Dymphna?

    1. There's a fine line between everything and delusion, the Bear has noticed over 1300 years. But apples and oranges. A deluded person will write garbage and think it's great. A non-deluded person will write well (assuming he is a good writer), and have normal doubts. And a manic person will write well (assuming he is a good writer) only without stopping much. And then he will buy a new Cadillac CTS based on the royalties he expects. The Sun is the same every day, and that is proper for the nature of the Sun. The Moon cycles, and that is proper for the nature of the Moon. A psychiatrist is someone who stands and yells at the Moon for not acting like the Sun. There is a name for people who howl at the Moon. They're called Lunaticks. :-)


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