Friday, March 24, 2017

News of the World as Recalled by the Bear



Here is a recap of world news based on the Bear's cursory reading of stories the past few days. The Bear has been busy and may have gotten a few details wrong, but he's pretty sure the gist is accurate.

  • WASHINGTON D.C. (March 24, 2017) -- Trump the Usurper hosted a hunting trip for Soviet strongman Vladimir Putin. The pair were seen on the banks of the Potomac River clubbing adorable baby river seals to death with babies. Witnesses also report Trump the Usurper backed a dump truck full of $100,000,000 bills and buried a laughing Putin. The two men spent the rest of the afternoon playing in the pile of money like children in autumn leaves.
  • WASHINGTON D.C. (March 24, 2017) -- Legitimate President Dear Leader Hillary Clinton staged a lightning raid on Richmond, Virginia yesterday, freeing thousands of slaves. Trump the Usurper had last Thursday declared the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments to the constitution null and void, opening the way for the return of slavery for the first time since 1957. A Gallup poll shows 100% of Americans support the campaign of Dear Leader to restore America to the golden years when Legitimate First Partner Bill Clinton was president.
  • PARIS (March 23, 2017) --  The religious harmony of France was broken by a White male using a loudspeaker to cry "Jesus is Lord" from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Witnesses say he had a distinct American southern accent and raised an enormous Confederate flag on the tip of the landmark. He mowed down thousands of curious Parisians gathered below with an automatic machine assault rifle firing bullets of depleted uranium. With a final cry of "Soldiers of the Cross do thou likewise" he detonate a 20 megaton nuclear bomb strapped to his back, destroying France. 
  • VATICAN (March 24, 2017) -- Today Generic Spiritual Leader of the World Pope Francis condemned frequent terrorist attacks by Christians. "Out of all religions, why do we only see Christians committing all these terrorist acts? The exclusivist nature of a religion that offers only one means of salvation can only breed hatred. Their beliefs taste like excrement in my mouth." The pontiff announced that a new bible was being prepared that eliminates all references to violence and incorporates wisdom from other faiths.
  • DHARASA, INDIA (March 21, 2017) -- The 14th Dalai Lama unveiled a new campaign to retake the role of the Generic Spiritual Leader of the World and wisest, most merciful  man ever from Pope Francis. Since the leader of the world's 6.7 billion Catholics was elected in 2013, his press has pushed the top Buddhist monk out of the public eye. "Sure, Francis is a nice guy," the Dalai Lama told reporters, "but the Catholic Church does not offer trendy practices like meditation and reincarnation. And I'm totally behind gay rights and shared restrooms and tolerance. Real big on tolerance." The Dalai Lama released the first of what he promised to be monthly videos. Critics panned the first video, however calling it "boring," "cheesy," and "what the Hell is this even about?"
  • EUROPE (Just About Any Day) -- A White Asian man killed some people while yelling something. Experts declare he is mentally ill, "possibly bipolar or agoraphobic or something." The leaders of the country warned against any backlash against Asians. The Dalai Lama quickly issued a statement urging everyone to be nice. Authorities continue to search for a motive, but say there probably is not one. "Who knows why crazy people do things like this?" Many are calling for the banning of guns/bombs/knives/swords/cars/hate/mental illness. The Dalai Lama issued a second statement, saying, "Yes, ban all those things. And pass laws making stories about Pope Francis illegal."

Feel free to add your own stories if you think the Bear missed something. Again, he may have gotten some of the details wrong, but these are an accurate impression based on stories the Bear has glanced at.

11 comments:

  1. Brilliant! And I had not even missed the Dalai Lama.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If that is true, then Francis has already won.

      Delete
  2. You summarized the current news rather well. To add anything would only be to detract from your perspicacious observations.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You forgot this one....

    "Russian hackers responsible for Duke loss, Chelsea Clinton's last baby, chupacabra, and the badger's constipation; film at 11:00."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL - but I think we'll leave out the last. Especially the film. St. Maurus wants me to tell you hi, but he wonders what you've gotten him into.

      Delete
  4. WOODLANDS, IL (March 20, 2017) In Entertainment News, St. Corbinian's Bear makes bold move to change website design. Fan reaction is mixed, from outright jubilation to indifference to fainting, outrage and even death threats. Many call for rioting and resistance at all costs. But the Bear is just a bear, and is confused by humans sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Last night protesters set fire to their part of the woods and the Bear had to get out of bed, put on his hat and pants, and go beat it out with his shovel.

      Delete
    2. As a matter of charity, I'll assume the Bear meant beat the fire out with a shovel, not the protesters.

      Delete
  5. Bear, I see your clean format has cleaned out our ability to provide salmon. Intentional?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think 99% of the problem is that people don't click on the three little lines In the corner. A lot of complaints would be resolved. And, a I said, something better is in the works.

    The sidebar (unless setups big enough to accommodate it) slide out. The trailer for Bear's dubious novel; the archive, the blog roll, and the the familiar salmon and begging from the Bear. Propablyu
    more to come

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For what it is worth: Owl's real life job found Owl giving up on training people to equivalently "click on three little lines in the corner". Owl just does it for them now.

      OR

      Owl's tablet doesn't have a lot of need for "swiping". Owl is not a phone person and greatly resists the need to own such a device. As a result, after an update went through several years ago, it took probably six months before Owl realized that swiping right on the tablet brought up an expanded menu of the three dots.

      Delete

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