Sunday, April 2, 2017

Wicker Man Midwestern Edition

Awake Woodland Creatures, Awake and sing the ancient lays,
Dance the ancient dances, hunt the sacred eggs of fertility laid by
magical rabbits!  Awake, awake, for Ostara has come to brighten the Woodlands.

11 Days of Compassion as we roll into Ostara. The Bear doesn't know about your parish, but in his parish, Ostara is a very busy time to make sure you're seen at all the right events so people will think highly of you. This looks very complicated, however. Perhaps we could substitute Eleven Days of Random Bear Mauling. It would be simple, cheap, fun for the Bear, and exhilarating for survivors.

Perhaps you'll feel like doing a little mauling yourself after reading our Ostara events.
  • Compassionate Community Teen Photo Exhibit
  • Compassionate Community Photo Exhibit
  • Unity in Community Fast ("in your tradition")
  • Read "12 Steps to a Compassionate Life" by St. Karen Armstrong (not sure about the "St.")
  • All Species Puppet Workshop (WTF?)
  • Peace Coalition Monthly Vigil, Theme "What Does Compassion Look like?" (Like Pope Francis, dummies!)
  • Non-Violent Direct Action Principles and Practice, "when traditional advocacy and protest fail." (Um, once traditional advocacy and protest fail, doesn't sound like there's much left besides throwing bricks at Trump supporters.)
  • All People's Walk (sponsored by United Nations Association Southern Illinois Chapter, etc. (Guys, it's more fun if you at least jog. For the Bear that is.)
  • The Sultan and the Saint, SIU Law School Auditorium a docudrama about Muslim-Christian Peacemaking. Sponsor Dr. Zahoor & Sumera Makhdoom. (It will either be full of crap or the shortest movie ever.)
  • Potluck and Healing of the Nations Prayer Service, Epiphany Lutheran Church
  • Family-Style Story Time - children's books and activities exploring compassion and getting along. (Kids would like the Bear better, and might actually learn something useful)
  • Bystander Training for Teens - how to safely respond to conflict and stand up for others (get those cell phones out kiddies)
  • SIU Law School, "Upstanders: Are You One?" Dr. Ralph Anderson interfaith dialogue program includes a panel discussion on being "Upstanders" with representatives from oppressed groups: Jews (seriously?) African Americans, Muslims, and LGBTQ. View WEAPONS OF THE SPIRIT video. (Wait, no Bears? Lucky for us we don't need any help.)
  • Transpoetic Playgound: Sexual Assault, at Gaia House. Spoken word performances on the theme (for the poetry-challenged)
  • Intro to nonviolent communications. "Nonviolent Communications shows us a way of being very honest, without any criticism, insults or putdowns, and with any intellectual diagnosis implying wrongness blah blah blah." (Sure it does. We've seen what the left actually does, so not interested in watching them stroke each other.) RAWR.
  • Preventing Ideologically Inspired Targeted Violence, i.e. against marginalized populations. (Note: "WE do not have an ideology, we're just right, so this doesn't apply to us.")
  • Random Tokens of Kindness.(Make junk out of clay to deter people from ever being kind to weirdoes again.)
  • Immigrants in our Community (Bear will be there with video, ICE on speed dial)
  • All Peoples Walk (DISCRIMINATION!)
  • Restorative Practices (peace-keeping, communications and conflict resolu... (What? Bear dozed off. But he may have discovered a great way to fall asleep.)
  • FISH FRY! The Bear enjoys this one the best, and it is at least recognizably Catholic! ("I still don't understand. If I BOUGHT all of the fish, you have to GIVE ME all of the fish.")
  • Feed Your Neighbor 5k Run.( Sometimes the Bear is still hungry after the FISH FRY and he is, after all, a neighbor. Hi neighbor. No, just keep running.)
  • All Species Puppet Workshop Puppet Hike. Sponsors; Beloved Puppetistas. Bear promises only to eat the puppets. Wait. There's what inside them?
  • The Bear (1988) - (they thought they were going to screen The Crash, but this is better.)
  • Race Unity Fishbowl and Interactive Dialogue. (Bear will be there with his fishing pole.)
  • Hymns of Love and Kindness - Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (Man, have the Mormons lowered their standards or what?)
  • The Quran - The Environment for Developing and Maintaining Compassion. Fatih-based presentation o the Quran's recurring theme of Compassion. Sponsor: Carbondale Muslim Center. (Make up your own joke.)
  • Face 2 Face: a dialogue of compassion. (Bear stuns other person with earsplitting roar and when the victim wakes up his head will be covered with catsup, Everybody laughs.)
  • Compassionate Response: Mental Health First Aid (Ounce of prevention and all that - don't put any of this crap in the Bear's bulletin and he won't need mental first aid.) 
  • Step Into My Shoes - Improv for Understanding ("That Bear's hogged the stage for 45 minutes and we can't understand anything he says." / "Are you going to tell him to leave?" / "RAWR RAWR rawr. Rawr? RAWR!" / "I think he wants us to laugh." / "But how do you know this isn't the wrong time?")


  1. Nice. Owl is interested in average attendance for those events, numbers who participate in multiple events, average age of participants, and ppm of sulfur at each event.

  2. By now, they're a pretty fast bunch. (Bear looks innocent.)

  3. I was ready to do some mauling by the fifth or sixth bullet. Someone needs to give your pastor a copy of the book "Soul of the Apostolate", but I doubt he'd read it. At least you still have the fish fry, will the Bear turn heads if he eats the fish raw after mauling a few snotty teenagers?
    Not many people know that 1988's The Bear was a breakthrough performance for Bart the Kodiak Bear. His level of method acting absolutely soared, but it wasn't until 1997's The Edge, that Bart reached the pinnacle of his career. Outshining even heavyweights Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin. There'll never be another ursine star like him.
    I noticed also the subtle reference to Wicker Man, a great movie (the 1973 version, not the crummy remake). It's rated R though, Britt Eckland gets nekkid. The Bear knows his movies....


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