Thursday, August 24, 2017



Sheep 1
Thom Tortise

What happened to:

Red Squirrel
Fredericka Vehteri

I have received emails from the first two. Since we have to have some sort of deadline so Bear can put this contest behind him, the ones highlighted in yellow need to send the Bear mailing addresses and autograph instructions by midnight Friday September 1st in order to complete the loop.

It doesn't matter. Since the Bear is feeling generous, he will send a copy to each of the FIVE lucky readers. All you have to do is complete the final step of emailing the Bear with your mailing address and autograph instructions to  with the subject line "I pledge my life to you, O Great Bear, and unquestioning ob -" Oh, wait. Wrong contest.

For this one, it is just "CONTEST WINNER."

(Shipping only within U.S., as stated, as it gets crazy expensive otherwise.)

This could be you! With adorably curly
red hair and hands tucked adorably into
sleeves of your sweater, reading your very
own copy of JUDGING ANGELS,
which is much, much thicker. (And, if
you're a guy, this could STILL be you.
Bear is not judgmental when it comes
to relaxing in fabulous gowns worn by
your favorite actress.)

SATURDAY UPDATE: Looks like some people are waiting until the last minute to enter the run-off (see below). If there are no further comments on the Bear's writing blog before midnight tonight (CST) the Bear will choose from remaining contestants by means of ailuromancy.

NOTE: Since Bear is going to need a means of paring excellent entries to just three, he is now going to change the rules. Due to the run-off requirement, the deadline is extended 24 hours to midnight, Saturday, August 26th (CST).

(Bear of Surprises changes the rules all the time, which makes him so dangerous to play with, but you knew that going into this game.) 

Or, call it a "run off" if you prefer. (Which is usually what people do when they meet Bear.)

In order to win, contestants must go to the Bear's other blog, which is just as entertaining and far less serious. The Bear speaks of his writing blog, which is where the Bear puts on his human suit and laughably tries to pretend to be one of you. Go there and leave a comment on the article you like best. If you want, click the bars in the upper left corner and look at the sidebar.

Buster is standing by to promptly ship copies to winners.
Or, whenever he gets over, uh, his distemper.

"Pfft," Bear hears you say. "Changing the rules? Now I have to go to another one of this stupid animal's blogs just to win an autographed copy of his dubious novel big enough to drop Father where he stands when he starts in on one of his interfaith homilies?" (Of course, no one would actually do that. It would risk damaging your copy, which will be worth a lot of money some day.)

Exactly. And that's how the Bear is going to separate the real men and women from the gender-confused masses unworthy to possess his book because if you do not understand how mating works between a man and a woman, a lot of it will be over your head, anyway.

Hey, each book is a $29.99 value, and the Bear pays shipping in U.S. How can the Bear do this? Easy. By making sure Red Death never finds out! Our little secret: you, Bear, and Buster our shipping department.

EBAY 2027!

JUDGING ANGELS, by Tim Capps, 1st ed. Moderate amount of smiting damage from being used as a missile during Mass. Cover has tiny symbols, apparently of successful strikes, similar to those painted on WWII aircraft. Priest 4; Choir Director 6; Altar Girls 2; Generic People 10. Coffee stains on pages from coffee squirting out of nose during fits of laughter. Otherwise in good condition. This is a very rare find. Inscribed in blue Flair pen with "Bear doodle" and autographed to [IMAGINE YOUR NAME HERE!]. New York Book Festival Honorable Mention sticker on cover. (Especially rare since the Bear developed a taste for the glue, and ate most of the stickers before they got on the books.) ASKING: $5000.

(Altar Girls? Wow. That's pretty cold even for a Bear.)


Read about it here. Deadline midnight (CST) Friday, 25th of August. Tough competition out there. And if you have read it and not reviewed it yet, please drop a ridiculously important review at Amazon.


  1. Aw, does Buster really have distemper?

    1. No, he has been in Buster's Choom Bag again.

  2. Uh oh. Have I disqualified myself by posting twice? The revised rules clearly state that contestants must comment on the other-blog article they like best--singular implied. Oh well. Let's just say Justina-of-Surprises got a little carried away, and hope for the best.

    After all, what if I fully recognize that following the rules would be ideal, yet find I have encountered inherent difficulties in doing so? Why, the complexities of my concrete situation might even have CAUSED me to comment twice! It might--come to think of it--have been positively sinful for me to leave only one remark.

    Phew! That was a close one!

    1. As long as you have the diligence to provide evedence that You have visited the other blog and left your mark, you'll be fine. You are clearly a regular reader who is motivated, just the sort who deserves to win.

  3. Thom Tortoise is disappointed to see no Name/url option for commenting on your other site. Just like Justina, I find myself in a concrete situation in which I cannot reach the ideal of full compliance with the rules, since I have none of those other types of accounts. I spent half a minute examining my conscience and determined that the God of Surprises is happy with me pretending that I am leaving a comment there when, of course, I am leaving it here instead. Anyways he doesn't expect anything more from me at this time.

    If you disagree with this, just remember that TIME IS GREATER THAN SPACE. I capitalize that because it is so profound that it confounds anyone who tries to make sense of it. So I am pretending to make a comment on the Nuking Your Draft article which I quite like. I have to take the same approach in my line of work also (visual arts).

    In my internal forum, I am convinced that I have now fully complied with your new arbitrary rule, even though I am in an objective state of non-compliance. This is good enough for the Pope, so it should be good enough for you -- eh? No?

    1. Ah, how the Bear enjoys toying with his human friends. Setting impossible tasks before them, seeing if they react with grace, or anger, or humor, and set fire to their neighborhood in the Woodlands in violent outrage against the injustice of it all.

    2. No good, Thom--you forgot to get accompanied by your pastor, didn't you? I, on the other hand, even got my bishop in on the act--as busy as these men are, what with greeting Jesus in the foreigner all the time (BUILD BRIDGES, NOT WALLS!), they were quite happy to set aside appointments for me. It's not like I was going to ask them to clarify Catholic doctrine or something.

    3. Justina, Justina -- that rule is from what? 2016? We've progressed. The spirit now -- just a few days ago, actually -- says that we can accompany ourselves in these decisions. Don't be a rigid pharisaical Moses seat stone throwing pickled pepper faced sourpuss! TIME IS GREATER THAN SPACE. Need I say more?

    4. You mean I just went through all that pastoral accompaniment for nothing? I guess I should have read the fine print. But if time really is greater then space, then what else don't I have to do any more? Go to Mass on Sundays and holy days? Confess my sins sacramentally? Believe that which the Church defines infallible? Why, the possibilities are endless! Thanks, Thom!

    5. Please permit a Bear to correct everyone on this whole TIME / SPACE thing. Bears have known for centuries that the two are not separate thing, but TIMESPACE. Try to imagine one without the other. The proof would take more acorns and seashells for the Bear math than the Bear has handy at the moment, but he believes it falls under the category of "Everybody Knows" anyway.

      On another note, Bear is glad at least some people have accept his free book. He would hate to have to be shown to have written a book he could literally not GIVE away!


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