Friday, October 20, 2017

American's New Drug Problem (Humor)

NOT Heroin Syringe, but Tranquilizer Dart. A Sure Sign
of Bear Drug Activity.

Bear and Mother of the Year.
 You've seen the "cute" YouTube videos. Friendly-looking Bears in people's yards and pools. You've gone, "aw" as giggling parents have posed their toddlers with trespassing wild Bears for that Like-worthy Facebook video.

Quite a different picture from the "shooting gallery" in that urban area you don't go into filled with hollow-eyed junkies like "Bubbles" from "The Wire" and his white friend whose name you don't remember who OD'd.

Here's a reminder: the Bear is the apex predator in North America. That means everything that is not a Bear is alive only because Bears have not gotten around to killing it yet. If there is a Bear in your swimming pool, you should check for blood in the water, a sure sign that the North American apex predator has claimed another victim. Even if there is no blood, it may only mean the Bear ate the pool man before he had time to bleed.

You may never know.

It may never have occurred to you that an 850 lb. 7-foot-tall powerful animal with jaws that can crush a bowling ball might be dangerous. The natural reaction to finding a Bear, or a Bengal Tiger, or a Velociraptor in your backyard is to pull out your iPhone and get as close as possible for the video. This is understandable.

Actually, it isn't.

Bear on drugs. Safe to pose with your toddler.
But, why do you think all these video Bears are so mellow and amiable?

They're on drugs.

Check your medicine cabinet. If your Valium, Percocet, and weed are gone, you should find a better place to hide your weed. But, more importantly, it is a sure sign Bears have already been in your house, stealing your drugs. The good news is you're probably safe for several days. The bad news is doctors are no longer refilling prescriptions because "a Bear ate my drugs."

Those hypodermic syringes you found behind the garage probably aren't from barely conscious heroin addicts as you feared. The characteristic red stabilizing fluff on the end identifies them as tranquilizer darts used by nature's most efficient killing machines that you just want to hug while using your selfie stick to video yourself with its crushing arms around you and your loved ones.

Sure, a Bear on drugs is very tolerant. But have you ever asked yourself, "What if this Bear is not on drugs?" Worse, what if it has showed up in desperate need of a "fix?"

A Bear junkie will be a whole lot less tolerant once he discovers you're not able to "hook him up" with the tasty stuff. Your selfie stick will be employed as a horrific warning left by the Bear for whom you were (for some inexplicable reason) unprepared to meet on nature's terms.

It isn't just your picnic baskets any more.

The common use of tranquilizer darts has turned the North American Bear population into a horde of rampaging addicts who will lap the medicinal opioids from your blood if they have to.

What can you do? Here are some safety tips to protect you and your family from this epidemic:

  • Bears are very publicity conscious and will not harm you as long as you are videoing them. Never be found without your iPhone.
  • Call animal control, NOT THE POLICE. Bears will stand still for the darts they crave. Bullets only enrage them.
  • Always travel in pairs. You don't have to be fast, just faster than your partner.
  • Do not go outside without your pockets stuffed with controlled substances. Police are aware of the Bear addiction problem and will understand. If not, it is a very plausible story.
  • In a pinch, even a "jonesing" Bear can be distracted by salmon and honey. In fact, don't leave home without several large salmon and a jar of honey, too. (Where you carry them is a problem to which there is just no easy answer.) There is no guarantee you won't run into increasingly common urban Bear "gangs."

Be aware of this problem, follow the safety tips, and you will probably not only not be killed this time, but will be the envy of all your Facebook Friends. (Tip: make sure your video does not include you actually providing drugs to Bears. Providing controlled substances to others is a federal offense, and the "Bear Affirmative Defense" is only recognized in California's Ninth Circuit.)

Of course, the word will quickly spread that you are what Bears call "someone who will give us drugs in return for not killing them yet." Any safety plan should include provisions for immediate relocation to a Bear-free country such as Bavaria.


  1. On or off drugs ( &/or Bear...) Fear The Bear !
    I watched the movie "Backcountry": scared silly.
    Plan to carry my newly acquired Bear Spray even here in town.
    My brother-in-law was hunting...saw a huge bear, with cubs...lucky for him wind was blowing away from bear and toward him: he got away...
    this is why I am a knitting home-body with cats. Plus, the cat doesn't like my drugs.

    1. Bear spray really annoys Bears. I would go with the tips in the article. I think cats are all on drugs and use catnip to throw us off further investigation.

  2. This is why I have a bit of bear-phobia. Love em, they're adorable, but scared to death of them. A relative just went to New Hampshire and saw a bear woodcarving on it's hind legs with it's mouth open, pulled up and looked at it, and it wasn't a woodcarving. At a market they purchased a photo of the cutest little, tiny cub, all wet with dew, who just walked up to the photographer one day. I'd have sprouted wings and flown. The photographer later saw Mama knock an eagle out of the sky with one swipe. It made the fatal error of pestering Mama or cub.

  3. wow....scary. Think I'll be walking around DC with bear spray too; and pockets filled with salmon or honey...well....salmon. 'course that's just good advise in general; even without bears.

    and your hypothesis is indeed correct great Bear....cats are always on drugs.....or plotting world domination. The latest just-released James O'Keefe video.....

    1. According to a video I posted a while back: "Make sure you use enough spray. But not too much. Bear spray can be a bear aphrodisiac. If that doesn't work, just go for it!"

      It's a perky park ranger giving ridiculous and contradictory advice in a fake park service safety video. One of the funniest things I 've seen.

  4. Bears are easily distracted by eagles as well...


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