Saturday, February 10, 2018

WOODLANDS SECRET MEMO

SECRET SPOKE (HCS)
102300(S)FEB18
FROM: URSUS MAJOR
TO: SCB WOODLAND CREATURES SECURITY DETAIL
SUBJECT: INFILTRATION OF NON-DENOMINATIONAL (NONDENOM) SERVICE

1. Last Sunday, while service at URSUS MAJOR (UM) parish (NO/SFX) was conducted by female priest-substitute in white alb, UM took opportunity to infiltrate target NONDENOM.

2. This operation authorized by PF1 under MALMO Initiative.

3. NONDENOM parking lot full on arrival and sectaries wearing orange vests and having glowing lights directed UM POV to space.

4. NONDENOM possibly tipped off to UM infiltration since a wide variety of free coffees and doughnuts were available as a sophisticated counter-intelligence distraction. Fortunately, UM had timed his arrival to adapt to contingencies.

5. After approximately thirty minutes gathering vital intelligence on this security measure, UM proceeded to worship space.

6. Demographics at NO/SFX for comparison:

  • <55 10%
  • 55-100 80%
  • 100+ 10%
  • White: 100%
  • Female:  70%
  • Male: 10%
  • Indeterminate: 20%

7. Demographics at NONDENOM:
  • Unnaturally proportionate distribution of age groups, races and equal split between males and females.
  • UM observed numerous unidentified miniature humanoids dressed as human beings. UM suspects NONDENOM sectaries may be involved in illegal cloning or other experiments unknown to us in order to rapidly increase their numbers. If so, we must discover this secret or the likelihood of survival of NO/SFX is low.

8. UM observed NONDENOM sectaries exhibiting facial expression of unknown meaning consisting of upward raising of corners of the lips and baring of teeth. Several attacked UM by first extending their right hands, apparently a standard opening move (indicating sectaries are highly trained). UM disabled several sectaries HTH before they broke off engagement. These behaviors have never been observed at NO/SFX although something superficially similar occurs during Mandatory Friendliness Rituals (MFR). 

9. Service started promptly on time with music from a rock-and-or-roll band, possibly Fleetwood Mac. (More evidence of advance information as to UM infiltration: first 15 minutes of worship did not consist of announcements. Clearly, they were practicing OPSEC to deny UM information about their activities.)

10. One continuous set of live, soft rock-and-or-roll music was played for approximately twenty minutes. Some NONDENOM sectaries (10%) were observed to raise their hands; others swayed (30%). UM found himself swaying (very little) 15 minutes in. (UM reminds recipients that a somatic response to rhythmic music is conditioned in UM by many captivities during which he was exhibited as a prisoner to musical accompaniment before jeering masses.)

11. Good music seems to be a highly-developed PSYOPS technique unknown to us, possibly to lower psychological resistance to sectarian propaganda. UM has new appreciation for Haugen-Hass songs pitched at an octave reserved for porpoises, as it induces an edgy wariness that keeps NO/SFX in fight-or-flight mode. One unusual aspect deserves further study. All musical lyrics were directed toward the Deity. UM was disoriented and offended by lack of references to himself and those around him, or activities related to gathering or journeying.

12. Despite wildly disinhibited nature of sectaries, at no time were they asked to perform MFR nor did they did initiate same on their own. In fact, they seemed to be oddly disinterested in their neighbors during the actual service. Perhaps, believing themselves safe from observation by outsiders, they revealed true antisocial nature of sect.

13. There followed a long, rambling speech on topics with which UM was entirely unfamiliar as they did not involve social issues.

14. Service ended. (UM suspects strong unseen security presence, perhaps snipers, preventing NONDENOM sectaries from bolting from service before end.)

15. UM spent another thirty minutes gathering additional intelligence on distraction measures of free coffee (an excellent variety of fresh-roasted beans, UM adds) and doughnuts.

16. At front desk of NONDENOM lobby, UM noticed free copies of a book were offered. Same obtained for further analysis by our codebreakers. Initial examination reveals 66 encrypted chapters, possibly a secure substitute for announcements.

17. Since there is now only one NO/SFX Sunday Mass (and sometimes no male priest) but two NONDENOM services, UM is able to further investigate NONDENOM counter-intelligence measures on any Sunday. This is vital so we can understand how to defeat their coffee carafes and unlimited free doughnuts. UM will attempt to cripple this sophisticated system tomorrow by consuming all doughnuts himself.

NOTHING FOLLOWS

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